Oh god, you just reminded me of that nightmare.

Wow. I've had way too much coffee today...

You know what I hate? The phrase "Hotlanta". I talked to someone last night and they actually said, "I was lucky to get out of Hotlanta before that big snowstorm hit." Maybe they were trying to be ironic, but it just sounded stupid. Do people who live there actually call it that, or is it one of those jackassy-touristy-catchphrases like "San Antone"?

Speaking of jackassy catchphrases... JoeToe just said, "I am so done with him." (Arrgh!) The him refers to Poopie, who had asked JT why he looked depressed today. Apparently this really rubbed JT the wrong way?? (I'm telling you... he's a woman.)

And of course, you need the daily Soduc report: She's on a coffee rampage again. Last week she jumped all over DxB about making a full pot of coffee and accused him of "wasting coffee". (Guess what bitch... DxB bought the coffee in the first place.) As an experiment I went in and made a full pot, and she didn't say a damn word to me...

Limpy (formerly known as "the serial killer guy") came by this morning and Soduc was disgustingly flirtatious as usual - "Oh, it's always such a joy to see you!" and "All kinds of good things are happening to me today!" and "Well don't you look wonderful today!" Truly, it was a retch-inducing experience. I'm going to need cyanide pills once he officially starts working here.


Always,
S

Weirdos, every one.

The Sunrise-Shamos™ Guide to Life presents:

13 Reasons to Reconsider Your Relationship

13. He sends you this as a text message: 8===D

12. He gets excited if you give him potpourri and tealights.

11. He can't tell the difference between the purple bunny and the green bunny.

10. He thinks a good way to unwind after work is to invite his (male) buddies over to "share a bottle of wine."

9. He asks you to dress up as Wonder Woman for him.

8. He has more pairs of shoes than you. (Especially if he has more green shoes than you.)

7. He's spent time in jail for stealing someone's house.

6. He's a civil servant. Or a Marine.

5. He IM's you to tell you all about his trip to the Dallas Fetish Ball.

4. He kisses you with his eyes open to "see if you're enjoying it."

3. Two words: Shaved Pits

2. He's been seeing you for more than two years and he still can't figure out if you're his girlfriend or not.

1. You find a strap-on in his closet.

Nothin' beats a free lunch?

I saw the weirdest thing today. I was shopping at this upscale grocery store when I saw this old woman at the meat counter. I only noticed her because she was getting some really expensive cuts of meat. (One of her packages was $27 - I've no idea what was in there.) Okay, no big deal, the old bag likes expensive meat. But... I ended up behind her in a deserted aisle, and I saw that she was stuffing all the packages of meat into her Louis Vuitton handbag! Holy hell! This woman must have been closing in on 70, and was dressed to the nines, a real society-looking type. I didn't know what to do - I made eye contact with her, and she looked totally startled (No. Shit.) but I didn't say anything. Maybe I should have?? Crazy shit.

I'm procrastinating again... I have to go in to the lab tonight, but I really don't want to. At least I don't have to put up with Soduc's shit when I'm there on the weekends. Last week, she pissed me off so bad that I just completely abandoned my office - I can't stand being in there with her and her shit. Hellboy and JoeToe were in there with me, telling me how Poopie had left the radiation lab a mess, again. RW asked what was up and Hellboy said, "[Poopie] messed up the lab again, it's really causing problems for us because we are trying to get our experiments done, but we have to stop and clean up his messes." Hellboy and JoeToe then walked out of the office, and Soduc turned to RW and said, "Well, you know if there's a problem back there, it's going to start with those two." WHAT IN FUCK'S NAME??? Jesus Bitchass Christ - Hellboy and JT just spent an hour cleaning up a fucking radiation spill that was caused by someone else, and Soduc thinks THEY are the problem? Whatta bitch!

The serial killer they hired part time was in there Friday talking to Soduc, and she was just as giggly as a schoolgirl... a horrendous scene, man. Apparently he's from her hometown, and he went to the same high school as she did. (Obviously he went much, much later than she.) Anyway, she was FASCINATED by this, and thought it was just wonderful that we had a Canyon High graduate working for us. Again, What the FUCK??? I went there, DxB went there, JoeToe went there... Whatever. Small-town shit, I guess.

(So I was thinking of setting up a "fuck" count for this thing. It's like Deadwood around here when I start in about work.)

I'm still confused by the hiring of the serial killer (I'll give him a better nickname soon...) All the sudden we have funding for him? DxB, always one to sniff out a conspiracy, thinks Soduc is fucking around with the books, trying to convince RW that we don't have the funds to hire Hellboy full-time. There is some evidence to support DxB's hypothesis: We had the money for the new hires, then suddenly it vanishes as RW suggests hiring Manic. And Soduc wrote the job description in such a way that Hellboy's application would be automatically rejected by the system. Of course, no one except Soduc knows for sure what's going on.

Onto other subjects... (there are other subjects, believe it or not.)
Something weird is up with another friend of mine. I've sent four emails, and left at least one voice message, but the person has not responded to me at all. It's strange, because we usually talk at least once a week. Even stranger, one of the email messages was "professional" - ie work-related, and I got nothing. Now, I was having some fucked-upness with my email last week, so I'm thinking that some of my messages went to hell instead of to inboxes. Or maybe I'm just such a raging bitch that no one wants to talk to me. (Very likely, indeed!!)




Okay, your humble author's got to go to work.

Always,
S

Torpor

Last night I had a dream that was a combination of real life, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, and Exodus.

The entire lab (including our illustrious office staff) was traveling to a conference through the desert in some kind of protean tour bus/motorhome/pickup. Soduc had not put any pillows and blankets or any other provisions in the bus, which enraged the whole crew, so we stopped and Cakes and DxB went off to wander the desert in search of blankets (Let my people sleep?) The rest of us tried to make do and get some rest.

Apparently I had drawn the short straw, because I had to sleep in the back of the bus with Hellboy and JoeToe. JT was wearing an apron (?!?), singing, dancing and fawning over Hellboy (kind of like every day in this place...), trying to make sure he was comfortable, all the while jockeying for the spot next to him on the blanketless mattress. The petting and mothering continued until finally Manic had had enough, and he raised his hand up and yelled, "BACK OFF, DUDE! I'M STRAIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER!!"

I actually woke myself up laughing. . .



Cakes is looking for a new car since hers was totalled in the accident. She told the local Honda dealer that she could get a new VP in San Antonio for $13, 550 and asked if they could beat that price. The person she spoke with said no, but she would ask her sales manager. Later, the sales manager left a message on her cell to call him back because he had a "couple of really good deals" for her. The deals? He could offer her the 2005 VP for $14,025 OR a used 2004 model for 13, 850. . .
I really think the median IQ of this town is hovering somewhere around 54. You'd think that it being a "college town" would help a little, but I think it just makes things worse.


Yesterday RW brought some woman in for an interview and asked me to take her around the lab. The fuck?? He just interviewed my friend, made her an offer, then retracted it last minute because of budget shortfalls. Then he tells me that he ended up hiring the serial killer dude part-time, and that was supposed to "help" me. But, Mister Shifty-eyes is only coming in Monday and Wednesday for 8 hours and maybe 4 hours on Friday. How in shit's name is that supposed to help me?? All that means is that anything he starts on Monday, I have to finish on Tuesday. Plus, I'd have to train his weasly ass! (He's the kind fo person who has one of those extrememly limp handshakes and never looks you in the eye - ever. No wonder Soduc thought he was "hot" - she likes 'em kind of gimpy. Reminds her of her son. . .)

Goddamn, these fuckers are pissing me off.


As Always,
S

HOMICIDE? Why yes, thank you.

Call me crazy, but shouldn't it be pretty goddamned easy to install a program on a computer?

I've been waiting for our Spigot, our alleged "Computer Technician", to install something on the server since January third. He told me it would take a week - it's been twenty-four days. . . (I'm not even going to ask why in shit's name would it take a friggin' week to install a program in the first place.)

And fucking Soduc's holding the goddamned software hostage since she found out there's only one license... (regimented bitch) Otherwise I'd just put the fucker on my laptop.

Jesus Freakin' Christ.

Dance, Spanish!

JoeToe went over to Manic's house this weekend. He couldn't tell me exactly why he went over there - he was pretty evasive - but that's not important. The point is that JoeToe met Spanish, Manic's girlfriend.

Everyone knows that Manic's life is Entropy Incarnate, and it seems this woman just adds to the chaos and confusion. She's about 40, big hair, lots of makeup, a hardened face, nice figure - you know the type. Manic told us she was a part time bartender at Coyote Ugly, a part time artist's model/assistant, a part time salesperson who could sell anything, and was trying to get a job in public relations. We had developed a sort of mental picture of who and what she was - needless to say, it wasn't all that attractive. But, based on what JoeToe experienced this weekend, we hadn't even begun to scratch the surface!

JoeToe knocks on the door and Spanish answers, wearing a shorty-short skirt and a very cleavage-revealing top. (JT said, "Thank god she was really short, so I just stared at the top of her head.) I don't know how much they'd had to drink before JT got there, but he said she was about 65 sheets to the wind. I guess at some point she got up on the table and was dancing, hoochie-mama style. JoeToe noticed she was not wearing underwear when she gave him a big-ol' coochie-flash, right in front of her boyfriend.

Later on, Manic passed out or went to sleep or something, and Spanish was telling JT all kinds of crazy crap. He said she was a roller coaster of emotions, sad, angry, happy, belligerent - all rolled up into a nice little panty-less package. She told JT how he had saved Manic's life, and how Manic was so happy that he had someone to teach now. (WTF?) She told him how she was sooo sick, and how she had exhausted her lifetime use of antibiotics. (viva la herpes, mi amigas?) She said she was taking colloidal silver to rid her body of toxins, then got really aggressive and said, "You biochemist! You probably don't even know what colloidal silver is!" (mmm-kay) She told him how she hated Manic because he didn't make her come, then in the next breath talked about how fantastic their sex life was. (GAH!) She tried to call some guy to get him to come over, telling JT that the dude was "her savior" and he had saved her life. (a theme with her, I guess) She started yelling, "Where's the COKE?" while on the phone with her 'savior', and then dropped the receiver on the floor while the dude was talking to her. The she said that Manic was so passed out that she and JT could go into the bedroom together and do anything and Manic would never even know...

It was that point that JT decided it was a good time to go on home.


Will this effect JoeToe's man-crush on Manic? Only time will tell...

Excess

My shoes have laces, buckles, and a zipper. A bit of fastener-overkill, don't you think?

My new backpack has twenty-two pockets. Who needs twenty-two pockets? Now I'll be going crazy trying to find twenty-two different things to put in the pockets.

I do believe it's love!

Another two days of working with Hellboy and Joe-Toe...

The man-crush continues and now it's getting kind of scary. Examples:

Hellboy: Do you have a pipettor over there?
Joe-Toe: You know it, Big Boy!

Hellboy: Add [some chemical] to this.
Joe-Toe: Ooh, Daddy... is this how?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: GODDAMN.

Third time's the charm??

Cakes has been dating ManFriend for about six months. He’s one of the shallowest people I’ve ever encountered, completely obsessed with appearances and “image”. I’m not sure what attracted him to Cakes, he’s usually one who goes for the vacuum-headed dimbo type who “just wants to be the little woman at home.”

On New Year’s Eve, Cakes and ManFriend got into a fight which ended with him leaving her more or less stranded in downtown Austin. (He told her she broke “…one of the cardinal rules” but wouldn’t tell her what “rule” that was.) A few days later, ManFriend took her to lunch so they could “talk”. He broke down into sobs at the sandwich shop, promised he’d “do better” and that he would change. Of course, she’s a sucker, so she took him back. Everything was peachy for oh, about a day, then the rapid downward spiral started again.

Last Wednesday, he left a message asking her if he could come over Thursday morning. See, he was leaving town for the weekend that afternoon, and he basically wanted a quickie before he left. She called him back and told him that she didn’t like the idea of being a booty call, and she was a little uncomfortable with that. He got really pissed and said, “Well, I wouldn’t think a booty call would be a problem, given your history.” Goddamn!! This is the guy who told Cakes that he slept with 250 different women! (Cakes isn’t an angel, but she’s a far cry from slutty, especially compared to ManFriend!) She was livid. He acted like he’d said nothing wrong at all, and told her she needed to be “less emotional.” So Tuesday night, Cakes went to ManFriend’s apartment and broke it off. She let him have it, told him everything he’d done wrong, how he treated her like a dumb bimbo, how he tried to cram her into a mold of what he thought his ideal woman would be… you get the picture. He ended up throwing her keys at her, and telling her he hated her. She got in her car and started home… She was about ten minutes away from ManFriend’s place when the person two cars in front of her slammed on the brakes while getting on the highway. This caused her to rear-end the middle car and push it into the first car. Her airbag went off, but she wasn’t hurt badly (neither were any of the other people involved.) In the fray, she called ManFriend (who is a paramedic) and he drove up and helped her. She was pretty banged up by the airbag, and her nerves were completely shot, so she was throwing up constantly. ManFriend took her home and took care of her, then drove her all over creation the next day to get all the towing/insurance/rental car shit done. He told her “That wreck was a sign that we should be together.” She said it was like everything that happened that night, the whole break up and all, was totally erased in his mind. He's being nice now, but past experience says he will drift right back into his shitty ways as soon as her bruises heal.

GAAAHHHHHHH!!! Cakes has the worst luck in the world.

Virago

I finally have a night off!! I have been buried in work. As in: 4 hours on Saturday, 9 hours on Sunday, 10 hours on Monday, 15 hours (yes, I said fif-teen) on Tuesday... I finally got a break today (thank you ABI, for backordered reagents.) If I didn't get some relief soon, I think my head was going to simultaneously implode and explode. This is the first time I've looked at the internets since Saturday. I finally checked my yahoo mail today, and apparently all kinds of crazy crap has gone down with my friends this week. And speaking of crazy crap... or as I like to call it, the MBRG...

Our secretary (or "grant administrator" or whatever jacked-up fakey title she likes to use...) has finally gone off her fucking nut. I mean, she's waaay short of a full load any way you look at it, but man... it's been bad. Real bad. She hates men (unless they are "good looking" in her mind.) and she's been nothing but a pit viper when it comes to dealing with any man in our operation. Horrific tales ensue.

Hellboy and the Gorgon or The Quest for the Holy Coffee Grail
The woman has developed an absolute hatred for one of our grad students (Hellboy). This is a guy who is graduating soon, and RW has decided to hire him full time because he's an excellent technician. The secretary (I'll call her "SODUC" to protect her identity - I'd tell you what "SODUC" is an acronym for, but my modesty prevents me from typing such things.) hates, and I mean HATES Hellboy. See, Hellboy is one of those "free spirit" types, who just does whatever, and is not bound by the rules of society. In other words, he's the guy who the Man is keeping down. Anyway, Soduc is the complete and utter opposite. She is regimented like a military lifer. Anything against the norm is a travesty to her, and any person who is outside the norm is equally appalling. To make things worse, both are extremely opinionated, and Hellboy is a born debater - he will argue the color of the sky if you let him. Of course, this means that the combination of Soduc and Hellboy is kind of like sodium metal and water.

So, Soduc has been riding Hellboy's ass about absolutely everything, from the spelling of his name to the number of pencils he uses. (Very important stuff, you see...) What finally tore it was last Thursday, when Hellboy went to the kitchen, grabbed a coffee cup from the rack by the sink, and poured himself a cuppa joe. Soduc gave him her patented Medusa glare, and said, "WHERE did you get that cup?" He told her, and obviously, it was the wrong answer, because she turned a different color and became very visibly angered. She said, "Well, that is MY cup, so make sure you put it on MY desk when you are done." WTF???? The bitch never even drinks coffee! Later on that afternoon, Hellboy and I were sitting at the table discussing how Poopie is always stealing Hellboys reagents and equipment, and Soduc breaks in with, "And you NEVER take what's not yours???" Then she threw in, "Where's my cup? Did you put my cup back on my desk, because I don't see it." Hellboy said, "I washed it and am letting it dry by the sink." She said, "Well, you put it back here." (She really wanted him to jump up and get it...) He said, "I'm letting it dry" and didn't budge! She was pissed! Jesus Christ bitch! It's just a fucking cup, get the hell over it already!!!

On Friday, Hellboy wasn't there, but that didn't stop the harrassment. She announced loudly in front of six people (including the boss) that Hellboy was bipolar and that his "excessive drinking" wasn't helping anything. She asked me if he was still on his meds, and I said I didn't know, and it was nobody's business but his own. Then she asked me how much he was drinking. (Okay, what the hell man? Why is she asking me??) RW (the boss) said, "I don't think that's an appropriate question." No. Shit. (For the record, Hellboy doesn't drink any more than any other 33 year old man.)


Oedipus Mom Seeks Pedophile for Harmonious Relationship
Sometime last week, I mentioned that my friend and former MBRG cell mate Okashii, was going to South America. Soduc said, "Is he going with that girl?" I said he was going with his Dad, and she said, "Well, I can't imagine that girl would be able to leave the country with him, she can't be more than seventeen." Whaaa? Had Okashii (age 35) been hiding a very dark secret from me??? I was obviously confused, so she cleared things up: "You know... that girl he was seeing when you were still working in JDI's lab." Okay, that was 1998-2001... Then, to assure me that my mental math was correct, she told me that the girl "must have been 13 when they started dating." I know Okashii likes 'em a little nubile, but seriously... I think they have to at least have gone through puberty before he goes for a little of the old in-out in-out. Then she proceeded to tell me what a lack of character Okashii had for being such a dirty old man, and how it was disgusting. This from a woman who let her 16 year old daughter go to Virginia for a weekend with some Army guy she'd just met? This from a woman who's 30-something year old son lived with her even after he got married?? This from a woman who accompanied said son on his honeymoon??? Who's the fucked up one? YOU be the judge. (For the record, I think the girl in question is about 24.)

Congratulations! You're Hired! Nah... Just Kiddin'
We just spent the last few weeks advertising for and interviewing applicants for two technician positions and one post-doc position. We found our two technicians (one of whom is a friend of a friend of mine...) and RW was about to call and tell them the good news. Just to be sure the money was all squared away, he asked Soduc to double check the budgets. She had previously assured him that we had plenty of funding to cover all three positions for three years. Well guess what? Soduc had fucked up, which is actually kind of rare for her, and we didn't have the money to hire any of them! Thank god RW had her check again before he called them! I mean, son-of-a-bitch... how do you fail to notice that your budget is 400,000 dollars short??? She blamed it on our new accounting system. Damn - I was kind of pissed too. I really need a tech BADLY (note the time I've been spending at the Gulag...). And seriously, make fucking SURE you have the cash before you interview people. God, it doesn't take a fucking genius. (For the record, she was really upset because one of the candidates was a man who she thought was good looking. The rest of us got that "serial killer" vibe from him, but whatever.)


Joe versus the (Acid Spewing Bitch) Volcano
Last week, Soduc told our undergraduate (JoeToe) that he needed to do his (online) timesheet. The lab computer was in the throes of death (again) so JoeToe came in to use mine. (I was at lunch.) I had already told him he was welcome to use my laptop whenever, it belongs to the lab anyway. Soduc asked him what he was doing, and told him not to use my stuff without my permission, then she left the room to go to the bathroom to get another testosterone injection or something. JoeToe tried to hurry up and finish, but she came back and said, "Did you not understand what I said?" and made him close his window. Of course, this caused him to lose his time sheet, so he had to go find another computer to use. I got back from lunch, and she told me in a thrilled schoolyard tattle-tale voice that she had "caught JoeToe" on my computer, and that she had given him "a stern warning" about it. I asked, "Was he looking at porn or something?" Later she told RW that we were "having trouble with our undergraduates using inappropriate computers." (That's actually what she said, I heard it.) RW said our "undergraduates" (i.e. JoeToe, since he's the only one...) could use any computer in the labs or in the offices. (Ha. Ha.)

On Friday, I was helping JoeToe do a literature search and we were using (dun, dun, DUNNNNN) a computer in my office. I got up to pee or something, and Soduc went into my office and told him that he "had been warned" and he needed to "get off that computer immediately." I came back, and JoeToe was just standing outside the office. "I got kicked out" he said. I took him back in, and I asked Soduc what the problem was. She said RW didn't want anyone but staff using those computers. (see above paragraph?!?) I told her that JoeToe was doing a lit search for ME, and that computer had the search program he needed to use. She asked me if he couldn't go to the library to do it, and I said no, he could not. Man, I had HAD IT with her shit. It's one thing to be a goddamn bitch every fucking minute, but she's fucking impeding my undergraduate's work now!! Shit. (For the record, she's a BITCH)


There's more, but my fingers just fell off. Needless to say, I had a very long talk with RW, and if he GROWS SOME, he will do what he promised, and have a frank talk with her.
GOD. DAMN.

Love always,
S

(Come in under the shadow of this red rock)

Last night I dreamt that I was in a large desert - the sands were red like fire and the sky an incredible blue color. I had a huge piece of white fabric - thin and strong like flag material - and I was trying to build a tent or shelter with it. The wind was blowing so much that I couldn't control the fabric, but I finally got it set up, and I sat down underneath it. The wind stopped then, and I saw a friend of mine walking across the dune toward me. He sat down outside the shelter and said nothing. Then, he got up, and started to set the white fabric on fire. He lit one corner then the next, until the whole thing was burning. I was still underneath it, and I sort of tried to get out, but gave up quickly. The shelter burned around me, but the flames never touched me. When the fire extinguished itself, I was still sitting there, my friend had disappeared, and everything was as it had been at the beginning of the dream, except for the small pile of ash surrounding me. I got up and walked away from the scene, intending on finding my friend, but he had vanished.

Punish your self-indulgence

Remember how I said the car window wasn't working? Well, today at work, the entry gates were down, so we had to use our entry cards to get on campus. Of course, since the window doesn't roll down, this was a bit difficult. We tried pulling the car up and opening the door, but the front end of the car was too long, and we couldn't reach the card reader without crashing into the gate. So, I had to get out of the car, run 'round and stick the card in the reader to get the gate to raise.

No problem, right? Yeah...

The gate went up just fine, then CRASH!!! It fell down on the car with a vengeance. The gate's only made of PVC, but seriously... it whacked the ol' Z pretty damn good. Luckily, it slammed into the windshield, but I'm pretty sure it would've dented the roof had it hit it.

(And yes, I'm taking the car in tomorrow to get all this shit fixed.)

~S

And which team would that be?

Man-love was strong in the lab today...

Joe-Toe was in a dead panic today because he thought Hellboy had left the lab. The man-crush is reaching epic proportions and Joey's hero worship is growing by the minute. This is great fun - even RW and Missy are in on this one, and are tickled to shit by all this! (RW calls Joe-Toe Hellboy's groupie.)

Some quotes from Joe-Toe:

"Man, I love that guy!"
"Thank god he didn't leave, I love that guy!"
"Hellboy is just... great!"
"I'm glad you moved to that bench, 'cause now we're closer!"
"You are the ULTIMATE!"
"You are such a total genius!"
"I would choose you first for my team."

(How many men do you know who would make a public proclamation of their love for another guy, especially if alcohol was not involved??)

I have to work with the two of them tomorrow, and that would normally be a damn terrifying experience. But, the sheer entertainment value of observing Joe-Toe's fawning over Hellboy will make it all worthwhile!

Always,
S

Tribulations

Whose idea was it to replace the damn toilet, anyway?

At least I found out what was making the old toilet rock and wobble. Apparently someone decided to glue the old one down with about a gallon of some sort of plasticky-concretey-putty type concoction. Unfortunately, they weren't too picky about getting it on the floor nice and level. So, the old toilet was sitting on this crooked mountain of putty-crap, and it wasn't even close to being flush against the slab. In order to install the new toilet, I had to chisel the funky putty off the slab, during which time, a very large chunk of said slab got chipped out. What's more, when I took Old Wobbly out, a large piece of lead-type material came out with it. I think it was part of the pipe, which is just wonderful.

To make things even peachier, the FUCKING electricity keeps going off... still. At one point I was holding the new toilet over the hole trying to get it in place, and poof! I was in the pitch black dark.

And just for the record, here is what is currently wrong with my $33,000 car that is not one year old yet: driver's side power window doesn't work, hatchback latch does not unlatch, the gas tank cover does not release, and the CD player laser went out. Thank you, Nissan. At least it still accelerates like a monster, that is until it runs out of gas, which I can't add, 'cause I can't open the tank...

Love always,
S