Virago
I finally have a night off!! I have been buried in work. As in: 4 hours on Saturday, 9 hours on Sunday, 10 hours on Monday, 15 hours (yes, I said fif-teen) on Tuesday... I finally got a break today (thank you ABI, for backordered reagents.) If I didn't get some relief soon, I think my head was going to simultaneously implode and explode. This is the first time I've looked at the internets since Saturday. I finally checked my yahoo mail today, and apparently all kinds of crazy crap has gone down with my friends this week. And speaking of crazy crap... or as I like to call it, the MBRG...
Our secretary (or "grant administrator" or whatever jacked-up fakey title she likes to use...) has finally gone off her fucking nut. I mean, she's waaay short of a full load any way you look at it, but man... it's been bad. Real bad. She hates men (unless they are "good looking" in her mind.) and she's been nothing but a pit viper when it comes to dealing with any man in our operation. Horrific tales ensue.
Hellboy and the Gorgon or The Quest for the Holy Coffee Grail
The woman has developed an absolute hatred for one of our grad students (Hellboy). This is a guy who is graduating soon, and RW has decided to hire him full time because he's an excellent technician. The secretary (I'll call her "SODUC" to protect her identity - I'd tell you what "SODUC" is an acronym for, but my modesty prevents me from typing such things.) hates, and I mean HATES Hellboy. See, Hellboy is one of those "free spirit" types, who just does whatever, and is not bound by the rules of society. In other words, he's the guy who the Man is keeping down. Anyway, Soduc is the complete and utter opposite. She is regimented like a military lifer. Anything against the norm is a travesty to her, and any person who is outside the norm is equally appalling. To make things worse, both are extremely opinionated, and Hellboy is a born debater - he will argue the color of the sky if you let him. Of course, this means that the combination of Soduc and Hellboy is kind of like sodium metal and water.
So, Soduc has been riding Hellboy's ass about absolutely everything, from the spelling of his name to the number of pencils he uses. (Very important stuff, you see...) What finally tore it was last Thursday, when Hellboy went to the kitchen, grabbed a coffee cup from the rack by the sink, and poured himself a cuppa joe. Soduc gave him her patented Medusa glare, and said, "WHERE did you get that cup?" He told her, and obviously, it was the wrong answer, because she turned a different color and became very visibly angered. She said, "Well, that is MY cup, so make sure you put it on MY desk when you are done." WTF???? The bitch never even drinks coffee! Later on that afternoon, Hellboy and I were sitting at the table discussing how Poopie is always stealing Hellboys reagents and equipment, and Soduc breaks in with, "And you NEVER take what's not yours???" Then she threw in, "Where's my cup? Did you put my cup back on my desk, because I don't see it." Hellboy said, "I washed it and am letting it dry by the sink." She said, "Well, you put it back here." (She really wanted him to jump up and get it...) He said, "I'm letting it dry" and didn't budge! She was pissed! Jesus Christ bitch! It's just a fucking cup, get the hell over it already!!!
On Friday, Hellboy wasn't there, but that didn't stop the harrassment. She announced loudly in front of six people (including the boss) that Hellboy was bipolar and that his "excessive drinking" wasn't helping anything. She asked me if he was still on his meds, and I said I didn't know, and it was nobody's business but his own. Then she asked me how much he was drinking. (Okay, what the hell man? Why is she asking me??) RW (the boss) said, "I don't think that's an appropriate question." No. Shit. (For the record, Hellboy doesn't drink any more than any other 33 year old man.)
Oedipus Mom Seeks Pedophile for Harmonious Relationship
Sometime last week, I mentioned that my friend and former MBRG cell mate Okashii, was going to South America. Soduc said, "Is he going with that girl?" I said he was going with his Dad, and she said, "Well, I can't imagine that girl would be able to leave the country with him, she can't be more than seventeen." Whaaa? Had Okashii (age 35) been hiding a very dark secret from me??? I was obviously confused, so she cleared things up: "You know... that girl he was seeing when you were still working in JDI's lab." Okay, that was 1998-2001... Then, to assure me that my mental math was correct, she told me that the girl "must have been 13 when they started dating." I know Okashii likes 'em a little nubile, but seriously... I think they have to at least have gone through puberty before he goes for a little of the old in-out in-out. Then she proceeded to tell me what a lack of character Okashii had for being such a dirty old man, and how it was disgusting. This from a woman who let her 16 year old daughter go to Virginia for a weekend with some Army guy she'd just met? This from a woman who's 30-something year old son lived with her even after he got married?? This from a woman who accompanied said son on his honeymoon??? Who's the fucked up one? YOU be the judge. (For the record, I think the girl in question is about 24.)
Congratulations! You're Hired! Nah... Just Kiddin'
We just spent the last few weeks advertising for and interviewing applicants for two technician positions and one post-doc position. We found our two technicians (one of whom is a friend of a friend of mine...) and RW was about to call and tell them the good news. Just to be sure the money was all squared away, he asked Soduc to double check the budgets. She had previously assured him that we had plenty of funding to cover all three positions for three years. Well guess what? Soduc had fucked up, which is actually kind of rare for her, and we didn't have the money to hire any of them! Thank god RW had her check again before he called them! I mean, son-of-a-bitch... how do you fail to notice that your budget is 400,000 dollars short??? She blamed it on our new accounting system. Damn - I was kind of pissed too. I really need a tech BADLY (note the time I've been spending at the Gulag...). And seriously, make fucking SURE you have the cash before you interview people. God, it doesn't take a fucking genius. (For the record, she was really upset because one of the candidates was a man who she thought was good looking. The rest of us got that "serial killer" vibe from him, but whatever.)
Joe versus the (Acid Spewing Bitch) Volcano
Last week, Soduc told our undergraduate (JoeToe) that he needed to do his (online) timesheet. The lab computer was in the throes of death (again) so JoeToe came in to use mine. (I was at lunch.) I had already told him he was welcome to use my laptop whenever, it belongs to the lab anyway. Soduc asked him what he was doing, and told him not to use my stuff without my permission, then she left the room to go to the bathroom to get another testosterone injection or something. JoeToe tried to hurry up and finish, but she came back and said, "Did you not understand what I said?" and made him close his window. Of course, this caused him to lose his time sheet, so he had to go find another computer to use. I got back from lunch, and she told me in a thrilled schoolyard tattle-tale voice that she had "caught JoeToe" on my computer, and that she had given him "a stern warning" about it. I asked, "Was he looking at porn or something?" Later she told RW that we were "having trouble with our undergraduates using inappropriate computers." (That's actually what she said, I heard it.) RW said our "undergraduates" (i.e. JoeToe, since he's the only one...) could use any computer in the labs or in the offices. (Ha. Ha.)
On Friday, I was helping JoeToe do a literature search and we were using (dun, dun, DUNNNNN) a computer in my office. I got up to pee or something, and Soduc went into my office and told him that he "had been warned" and he needed to "get off that computer immediately." I came back, and JoeToe was just standing outside the office. "I got kicked out" he said. I took him back in, and I asked Soduc what the problem was. She said RW didn't want anyone but staff using those computers. (see above paragraph?!?) I told her that JoeToe was doing a lit search for ME, and that computer had the search program he needed to use. She asked me if he couldn't go to the library to do it, and I said no, he could not. Man, I had HAD IT with her shit. It's one thing to be a goddamn bitch every fucking minute, but she's fucking impeding my undergraduate's work now!! Shit. (For the record, she's a BITCH)
There's more, but my fingers just fell off. Needless to say, I had a very long talk with RW, and if he GROWS SOME, he will do what he promised, and have a frank talk with her.
GOD. DAMN.
Love always,
S
Our secretary (or "grant administrator" or whatever jacked-up fakey title she likes to use...) has finally gone off her fucking nut. I mean, she's waaay short of a full load any way you look at it, but man... it's been bad. Real bad. She hates men (unless they are "good looking" in her mind.) and she's been nothing but a pit viper when it comes to dealing with any man in our operation. Horrific tales ensue.
Hellboy and the Gorgon or The Quest for the Holy Coffee Grail
The woman has developed an absolute hatred for one of our grad students (Hellboy). This is a guy who is graduating soon, and RW has decided to hire him full time because he's an excellent technician. The secretary (I'll call her "SODUC" to protect her identity - I'd tell you what "SODUC" is an acronym for, but my modesty prevents me from typing such things.) hates, and I mean HATES Hellboy. See, Hellboy is one of those "free spirit" types, who just does whatever, and is not bound by the rules of society. In other words, he's the guy who the Man is keeping down. Anyway, Soduc is the complete and utter opposite. She is regimented like a military lifer. Anything against the norm is a travesty to her, and any person who is outside the norm is equally appalling. To make things worse, both are extremely opinionated, and Hellboy is a born debater - he will argue the color of the sky if you let him. Of course, this means that the combination of Soduc and Hellboy is kind of like sodium metal and water.
So, Soduc has been riding Hellboy's ass about absolutely everything, from the spelling of his name to the number of pencils he uses. (Very important stuff, you see...) What finally tore it was last Thursday, when Hellboy went to the kitchen, grabbed a coffee cup from the rack by the sink, and poured himself a cuppa joe. Soduc gave him her patented Medusa glare, and said, "WHERE did you get that cup?" He told her, and obviously, it was the wrong answer, because she turned a different color and became very visibly angered. She said, "Well, that is MY cup, so make sure you put it on MY desk when you are done." WTF???? The bitch never even drinks coffee! Later on that afternoon, Hellboy and I were sitting at the table discussing how Poopie is always stealing Hellboys reagents and equipment, and Soduc breaks in with, "And you NEVER take what's not yours???" Then she threw in, "Where's my cup? Did you put my cup back on my desk, because I don't see it." Hellboy said, "I washed it and am letting it dry by the sink." She said, "Well, you put it back here." (She really wanted him to jump up and get it...) He said, "I'm letting it dry" and didn't budge! She was pissed! Jesus Christ bitch! It's just a fucking cup, get the hell over it already!!!
On Friday, Hellboy wasn't there, but that didn't stop the harrassment. She announced loudly in front of six people (including the boss) that Hellboy was bipolar and that his "excessive drinking" wasn't helping anything. She asked me if he was still on his meds, and I said I didn't know, and it was nobody's business but his own. Then she asked me how much he was drinking. (Okay, what the hell man? Why is she asking me??) RW (the boss) said, "I don't think that's an appropriate question." No. Shit. (For the record, Hellboy doesn't drink any more than any other 33 year old man.)
Oedipus Mom Seeks Pedophile for Harmonious Relationship
Sometime last week, I mentioned that my friend and former MBRG cell mate Okashii, was going to South America. Soduc said, "Is he going with that girl?" I said he was going with his Dad, and she said, "Well, I can't imagine that girl would be able to leave the country with him, she can't be more than seventeen." Whaaa? Had Okashii (age 35) been hiding a very dark secret from me??? I was obviously confused, so she cleared things up: "You know... that girl he was seeing when you were still working in JDI's lab." Okay, that was 1998-2001... Then, to assure me that my mental math was correct, she told me that the girl "must have been 13 when they started dating." I know Okashii likes 'em a little nubile, but seriously... I think they have to at least have gone through puberty before he goes for a little of the old in-out in-out. Then she proceeded to tell me what a lack of character Okashii had for being such a dirty old man, and how it was disgusting. This from a woman who let her 16 year old daughter go to Virginia for a weekend with some Army guy she'd just met? This from a woman who's 30-something year old son lived with her even after he got married?? This from a woman who accompanied said son on his honeymoon??? Who's the fucked up one? YOU be the judge. (For the record, I think the girl in question is about 24.)
Congratulations! You're Hired! Nah... Just Kiddin'
We just spent the last few weeks advertising for and interviewing applicants for two technician positions and one post-doc position. We found our two technicians (one of whom is a friend of a friend of mine...) and RW was about to call and tell them the good news. Just to be sure the money was all squared away, he asked Soduc to double check the budgets. She had previously assured him that we had plenty of funding to cover all three positions for three years. Well guess what? Soduc had fucked up, which is actually kind of rare for her, and we didn't have the money to hire any of them! Thank god RW had her check again before he called them! I mean, son-of-a-bitch... how do you fail to notice that your budget is 400,000 dollars short??? She blamed it on our new accounting system. Damn - I was kind of pissed too. I really need a tech BADLY (note the time I've been spending at the Gulag...). And seriously, make fucking SURE you have the cash before you interview people. God, it doesn't take a fucking genius. (For the record, she was really upset because one of the candidates was a man who she thought was good looking. The rest of us got that "serial killer" vibe from him, but whatever.)
Joe versus the (Acid Spewing Bitch) Volcano
Last week, Soduc told our undergraduate (JoeToe) that he needed to do his (online) timesheet. The lab computer was in the throes of death (again) so JoeToe came in to use mine. (I was at lunch.) I had already told him he was welcome to use my laptop whenever, it belongs to the lab anyway. Soduc asked him what he was doing, and told him not to use my stuff without my permission, then she left the room to go to the bathroom to get another testosterone injection or something. JoeToe tried to hurry up and finish, but she came back and said, "Did you not understand what I said?" and made him close his window. Of course, this caused him to lose his time sheet, so he had to go find another computer to use. I got back from lunch, and she told me in a thrilled schoolyard tattle-tale voice that she had "caught JoeToe" on my computer, and that she had given him "a stern warning" about it. I asked, "Was he looking at porn or something?" Later she told RW that we were "having trouble with our undergraduates using inappropriate computers." (That's actually what she said, I heard it.) RW said our "undergraduates" (i.e. JoeToe, since he's the only one...) could use any computer in the labs or in the offices. (Ha. Ha.)
On Friday, I was helping JoeToe do a literature search and we were using (dun, dun, DUNNNNN) a computer in my office. I got up to pee or something, and Soduc went into my office and told him that he "had been warned" and he needed to "get off that computer immediately." I came back, and JoeToe was just standing outside the office. "I got kicked out" he said. I took him back in, and I asked Soduc what the problem was. She said RW didn't want anyone but staff using those computers. (see above paragraph?!?) I told her that JoeToe was doing a lit search for ME, and that computer had the search program he needed to use. She asked me if he couldn't go to the library to do it, and I said no, he could not. Man, I had HAD IT with her shit. It's one thing to be a goddamn bitch every fucking minute, but she's fucking impeding my undergraduate's work now!! Shit. (For the record, she's a BITCH)
There's more, but my fingers just fell off. Needless to say, I had a very long talk with RW, and if he GROWS SOME, he will do what he promised, and have a frank talk with her.
GOD. DAMN.
Love always,
S
posted by your humble author | 5:21 PM
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