trust me, i'm an expert

I don't know where I've been for the last two weeks...

Thanksgiving:
Didn't suck as much as I had anticipated.
Flooding rivers (eh? ...) = fucking ridiculous detours.
There should be a constitutional amendment making it illegal to mix green beans, mushroom soup, and fried onions.
I'm so fucking glad I don't have kids.

Black Friday:
I bought a toilet. (Can someone explain why the white toilet costs $128, and the bone toilet $208???)

A conversation with Zip Larch* from A pilot pisses my Bed* (an Applera Corporation):
*All names have been changed to protect the innocent.
"Can I request a specific person to do the training?"
"Do you have someone in mind?"
"Well, we'd like Igor Sudan to do it, he's really helped me a lot with the decision to buy, and in fact, he's the one who first suggested the instrument to me."
"Well, I can't guarantee anything, but I know Igor is a really great trainer. I was talking to (some name), who isn't Igor's boss, but I told her that every trainer needs to go with Igor to see how he does it."
"Yes, like I said, he's been really helpful, and since he's familiar with our research..."
"And I'm sure Igor told you that I was the one who got him his job here, right?"
(Sheila loses the ability to ass-kiss-jibber-jabber at this point)
"Uh-ha-ha-hm-yeh-um-ha"
"He wouldn't be here without me."
(Sheila's thinking, 'the fuck??')
"Well, we sure miss him here, but I know he's doing a great job for you guys at A pilot pisses my Bed."


In conclusion, I stole this from Jeff, but I don't care 'cause I like it: Best. Panhandler. Ever.