Damn, and it's only Tuesday.

Wow. What a week.

- nipple piercings
- public breakup
- resigning a job via email
- tandem bar bathroom puking
- mobster boyfriend
- danger music
- delayed mojitos

(And none of that involved me directly. Except for the mojitos)

Did you mean centimeters?

For some reason, size (of both men and women) has been a topic of conversation lately.

We've contemplated why some women aggressively boast about how well-endowed their men are. There was one gal we knew who used to go on about her man's "12 inches" but we came to find out (this is how) that perhaps he was a prime candidate for some Enzyte.

So why did she make the claim? Was she trying to convince herself? I don't even understand why you'd talk about that anyway, so I'm at a loss.

We also wonder if there is really that much variation in size at all. I suppose there are the "outliers" but I can't imagine that in the normal course of events you would see too much that was outside the norm.

And women? Certainly there can't be much variation in them - unless you are talking about after having several children. Besides, there's an awful lot of elasticity involved with that, so I don't see any real way to make an accurate measurement.

So you can probably guess the Friday Links theme: "How big, you say?"

First off we have The Definitive Penis Size Survey. I guess the name pretty much says it all.

Here's a list of sexual averages gathered from what appear to be reputable sources. (I guess there is a way to measure a woman!!) There's also some fun stuff on the main page of this site.


Have a wonderful weekend,
S

hot dogs for me, tacos for you

During a conversation with a friend this weekend, the subject of being persued by a homosexual came up. It'd happened to both of us, and we both had the same reaction to it: anger. It made me wonder, why we are so offended when a gay person expresses interest in us? Even the most homophilic (!) of us can become downright hate-crime-mad when hit on by a person of the same sex.

My friend, who is a guy, said that part of the irritation was the graphic nature of the come-on. (Apparently gay guys can as big a pig as straights!) My huntress was not graphic, but she still hacked me off.

A couple of years ago a girl I knew, "Y", came out to me and a couple of my (female) friends. We were pretty cool about it as it was no big suprise, but in retrospect, we may have been too cool, because Y started to think that we were playing for her team too. For some reason, she thought one of the girls was a lesbian, despite the fact that she was married. Equally bizarre was her notion that I liked the vag - I'm quite certain I'd talked about my boyfriend plenty of times in her presence. Maybe it was the way we always joked about being lesbefriends - hell, I don't know.
All I do know is that once Y got it into her head that I was like her, the pursuit was on. It was very subtle, and I don't think anyone noticed, but to me it felt like she was trying to whack me over the head with a club and drag me off to the cave! Her game was little stuff, like always sitting next to me, touching me too much, getting too close - you know, the kind of things we straight girls do to guys we like.
You'd think that for an open-minded person such as myself, I'd just blow it off, or even be flattered by it. But oh, no. I was pissed! I can't figure out for the life of me why, either. Of course, Mister Good Advice said I was angry because I was a closeted dyke. Mmm-hmmm. (This would have possibly held more credence if he hadn't followed it with, "So why don't you and Y come over to my house Friday and I'll, you know, watch you two work it out.") Maybe it was frustration of the "Jesus, men don't look at me, but women do? What the hell?" sort. I guess no straight person wants to be perceived as gay, and there must be some kind of deep, maybe even biological instinct that makes you react so adversely to it.

I wonder if gay people are offended when straights hit on them? Maybe they are - I could definitely understand them being mad if it continues even after the pursuer becomes aware of their homosexuality. (Someone needs to find an answer to that question.)


I'm reminded of a funny/not funny story along these lines that a friend of mine told me. She and her friends went to a gay bar in Houston. It was Drag night, and the TV's and Queens were out in abundance. At one point, one of the Queens breezed up to my friend and said, "Oooh girl! You are FLAWLESS!" (Which of course, is a drag queen's way of telling you that your transformation is so good that no one would ever think you were a man. . . ) HA!!

So the moral of the story is, stay with your own damn team. Nobody's switching sides.

Always (hetero),
S

Now you're in the massacre zone

Remember a while back I told you how we'd hired this guy (I think I called him the Serial Killer) to work in the lab and stock center? No one (except Roxie) liked him because he had a really limpy handshake and he would never look at you when you were talking to him. I guess he had been working in a zebrafish stock center at UT but that place was shutting down so he came in looking for a full tme position. I don't know what happened, but instead of doing full-time, he started grad school here. We hired him part time - they were paying him something like $18/hour for 30 hours a week - not bad for a grad student.

He was coming in pretty regularly, then all of a sudden he stopped showing up. I guess Roxie and Ron tried to contact him about it, and this is the email account of that:


Subject: Work Schedule
Date: April 18, 2005
From: Roxie Smeal
To: Richard Nuckles
CC: Ron Walter

Richard,

Is there a reason you have not been in the lab during your scheduled work hours? You will need to come in as soon as you can to discuss this situation with Ron.

Roxie


Subject: RE: Work Schedule
Date: April 19, 2005
From: Richard Nuckles
To: Roxie Smeal

I have been very busy at my other job and I will come in when I can make time for it.




Subject: RE: Work Schedule
Date: April 19, 2005
From: Roxie Smeal
To: Richard Nuckles
CC: Ron Walter

Richard,

We were to understand that your other job had ended. You agreed to work 30 hours per week here, and you have not held up your end of the committment.

I stress that you need to come in and speak to Dr. Walter immediately.

Roxie


Subject: RE: Work Schedule
Date: May 3, 2005
From: Ron Walter
To: Richard Nuckles
CC: Roxie Smeal

Mr. Nuckles,

Roxie has tried repeatedly to contact you regarding your absenteeism. If you have any hope of continuing to work in this laboratory you will need to contact me immediately!

Ron Walter


Subject: RE: Work Schedule
Date: May 12, 2005
From: Richard Nuckles
To: Ron Walter

Dr. Walter,

Frankly I do not feel that it is worth my time to go to your lab. I am interested in doing real science, and from what I have seen, there is NO science at all going on there. Obviously, I will not be interested in continuing to work there, nor am I willing to do my graduate research there. I will be working in a lab which will make a contribution to science instead of just doing a lot of hand waving.

Richard Nuckles


Well, the dude has a wimpy handshake, but his balls are huge???
You know what's even funnier - the lab he's doing his grad research in - you know, the one that will make a "contribution to science"???

WATKINS LAB!!!!

(Oh shit!!! - I think Dawn just dropped dead from hysterics!!)


Always,
S

Follie Folly

Expect some dramaqueen posts in the next few days - shit's lighting up all over the place!

I'll just get right to the Friday Link-o-Rama - today's theme is Blogger.com.

Spontaneous habitual worry wart is a weblog of a Texas woman's quest to have a baby. Especially freaky compelling are the letters she writes to her "future babies". And this is (I think) a highly fictionalized account of a Femaryl injection? Fuck if I know. . . I don't know whether to feel sorry for this woman, or to think she's completely fucking insane.

Along the same bizarro world lines, we have Lesa, who apparently is a BIG fan of animated emoticons. . .

And here's Bastya the Hamster's own personal blog. (Why does this one seem normal compared to the previous two??)

A personal favorite, though I'm not sure why: The Haiku Master! (It's gotta be the cabbage toupee!)

Okay, enough insanity. (Remember that line, it will come in handy in the next few days.) Here's a bit of normal shit:

Ariel has a nice photoblog featuring scenes from Japan. I absolutely adore this photo.



Always,
S

A Brief Snark

Look, it's Al's new office!

Bollocks in a Marmite Jar

"So as soon as the vending guy comes, John goes to like, every machine on campus and buys these candies. . "

"Kit Kats."

"Right, Kit Kats - he buys like, every Kit Kat from every goddamned machine in the building."

"He has this like, bankroll of ones and he stuffs them into the machines like he's at the Yellow Rose, right?"

"Totally. So, he comes back to his desk with like, 40 Kit Kats, and this friggin' carboy of coffee."

"Yeah, it's like a gallon of coffee!"

"With sugar."

"Yeah!"

"So his desk is just covered with Kit Kat wrappers, 'cause he's like chain-eating them with the coffee, and the motherfucker is like, 'Man, I don't know why I'm always on edge!' Goddamn, dude!"

"I know it's like you could sweeten your fucking tea with Dude's piss man."

Happy Tuesday

Didn't someone say something about it never ending?

Can puppet shows be far behind?

Are you adequately prepared to rock?

Saturday we went to DocD's to celebrate the official end of her tenure as graduate student scum and her subsequent entry into post-doctoral slavery. It was a nerd-a-riffic good crowd - the "swinging" couple (who NO ONE would ever want to swing with) was there, along with a whole slew of Dell-trodden computer folk. Annnd we were definitely the coolest party in town 'cause we had at least five gay people - of both sexes! (Love, love, LoooVIN' it!!) I finally met the elusive Gabe - who turns out to be an actual real guy and not a figment of DocD's feeble imagination as I had assumed for so long. . .

The end of the evening was the best though, because that's when we held a ceremonial slaughter of her evil and heinous former advisor, (P)rick (the "P" is silent) M. EvilE bought an inflatable doll to stand in for (P)rick, it was a pretty good representation of (P)rick, as it had NO GENITALIA. So, Brent blew the bitch up and DocD put on her ass-kicking biker boots and stomped that motherfucker like she meant it! Mr. DocD joined in too, and there was much rejoicing. Even your humble author got a shot since I had to endure that bunch of asshats when I was at UT. I think I can safely say that never before have I stabbed a male blowup doll in the ass with a Samurai sword. . . Wow, LIBERATING!!

Best party quotes:

"Mark said that Lucas will probably be doing like, Star Wars finger puppet shows in backyards from now on. It will NEVER END." - P.

"Oh man, I was totally going to buy the six-foot penis but I couldn't get it shipped here in time!" - Your humble author

"John tried the vagina thing for about a year, but he came around." - B.


Here's a few extremely crappy cell phone pics of the ritual slaying:

Faux-(P)rick in all his plastic glory:


Yep, it's (P)rick - no firehose. . . (those are DocD's legs with boots attached):


HIYAHHHHHHHHH!!!:


"VICTORY IS MINE!!" sayeth J.:

woof

I'm going to ignore the one-sentence paragraphs and simply ask: WHERE THE FUCK DID SHE GET 2000 POUNDS OF ANIMAL CARCASSES?????

I love journalists. . .

165 Pets Taken From Calif. Ex-Mayor's Home

RIALTO, Calif. - Responding to neighbor complaints about a home's stench, authorities removed 135 dogs and 30 cats from a urine- and feces-soaked home where a rotting Great Dane was found earlier in a malfunctioning freezer.

Charlotte Spadaro, a former mayor of Beverly Hills, had been rescuing animals for three years and kept them at her South Acacia Avenue home. Authorities monitoring the residence since discovering the Great Dane in January finally got a search warrant to remove the animals Thursday.

"I think the city is out to have them massacred," Spadaro said.

But police Lt. Joe Cirilo said the house was a health hazard for its occupants, neighbors and the animals. After a neighbor complained months ago about the smell and noise at the house, officials found the decomposing corpse of a Great Dane in a malfunctioning freezer.

"At some point we have to draw the line," Cirilo said. "That's why we're here to seek proper care for these animals."

A city inspection was scheduled for Feb. 2 because of the Great Dane discovery. A day before the inspection, Spadaro loaded a rental van with 2,000 pounds of animal carcasses and parked it on a street in Riverside, authorities said.

Riverside County sheriff's deputies found the van, which had begun to stink, several days later.
City Attorney Kathy Gandara said the city has tried to work with Spadaro and conducted periodic inspections.

"She is not willing or able to comply," Gandara said. "This is a last resort for the city."

The animals removed from the home Thursday were taken to the Devore Animal Shelter for examination by a veterinarian. Spadaro has 10 days to request a procedural hearing to determine whether the city was justified in removing the animals.

Spadaro said she runs a legitimate kennel for rescued dogs and cats and the city's action Thursday was illegal.

"I think Rialto has been persecuting me, frankly," Spadaro said.

the jesus egg

Coffee. It's becoming my nemesis.

That is to say, DxB's coffee, in his beloved Bruker cup, when placed in the dash cup holder of the Z, is becoming my nemesis.

The dash cupholder is not so much a cup-holding-system as it is a cup springboard. (Especially with the fine and NEVER bumpy roadways we have here in San Marcos.) If you really enjoy flat cokes, put 'em there. If you really want to enliven the scent of the car with spilled apple juice, just put the bottle in the holder - - you get the picture.

Every morning this Bruker cup gets filled with coffee and about 14 tablespoons of sugar, placed in the cup-springboard, and off we go. Inevitably, coffee is spilled. All over the dash, the radio controls, down the console and onto the floor. Why would Nissan design a cupholder after a springboard?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Without further ado. . .

Your Friday Links theme is: "Too lazy to look for cool crap on the 'net herself, Sheila mooched links off other websites."

Okay, actually this first one was one I found myself by typing paper dolls adult into Google. (Don't ask. . .) What Large big fat twats japanese girls in bath His job has to do with radio frequency identity technology (RFID) and supply chain management I'll never know.

Here's a handy list from Wikipedia with a link to pornocracy. (Hmmm, this did give me some insight into someone's internet identity. . .)

Gives new meaning to the word pack rat.

This is a great idea.

This is not a great idea.


Have a wonderful weekend,
S

Problems? We have no problems!

Ugh. We found out yesterday that the infamous JoeToe is going to be working downstairs in the polymer lab this summer. That's the lab right below us. Hellboy already ran into him in the elevator, so we are trying to find a "safe" way to enter and exit the building.

We also heard that JT was bad-mouthing our lab (no shit, I'd never expect that!) telling everyone how fucked up we are and that we "...pretend to have all this grant money, but actually have none." (Let's all say it together: what. the. fuck.) But, he is the Great Omnicient One, so maybe we are just one step away from pimpin' out the (philosophical) grad students to help pay for our mass spec habit.

Hellboy officially started working (as a technician) in the lab on Monday. He had to go to an orientation where they tell you all the rules and regs, and now he thinks he's working in a police state! Not only did he actually read the rules, he believes that they are enforced!!
Poor Hellboy - obviously he's never worked as a state employee. He was all up in arms about an email attachment some friend sent him - I guess it was a picture of a scantily clad woman - and he became convinced that the Dean was going to walk in, and he was "...going to be prosecuted for looking at porn."

Should be an interesting summer.

Always,
S

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Oooh, I almost forgot that today is the one-year anniversary of BLACK MONDAY, FishWorld's most scandalous event!

You've all heard the story, but here's an excerpt from the LJ-TVS:

"...on that Monday, Cakes was at a baseball game and Gherkin kept calling her. He was out in Austin with Hellboy, another guy from the lab. She didn't answer the calls, but then she got a call from TheFiancee, who left a message: "Cakes, I really need to talk to you. Please call me as soon as you can." Cakes thought something had happened, so she called TheFiancee. The Fiancee said, "I want to know the nature of your relationship with Gherkin" and Cakes straight up told her everything. Then she asked Cakes if they could meet and talk.
After about an hour and a half, Cakes called me and asked if I could come down to the Parrot with her and TheFiancee. TheFiancee was upset, but once she heard all the lies and shit that Gherkin had told Cakes, she was understanding. Anyway, during their little chat, guess who called Cakes???? yep - good ol' Gherkin. He asked, "What are you doing?" She said, "Oh, I'm here at the Parrot with some people." He asked if he could come over, and she quickly told TheFiancee what was up. TheFiancee said, "Tell him to come on down!"
I got to the Parrot about 15 minutes before Gherkin and we were sitting in the back - me and TheFiancee against the wall, Cakes opposite us, so that Gherkin wouldn't see TheFiancee at first. Gherkin apparently told Manic that he "set something up so that we can party in San Marcos" and they drove down. They walk in, Gherkin sees Cakes and says, "You look goooood." Then he turns around, sees me, then immediately sees TheFiancee. Oh man - his face - oh man - it was like "I am totally, completely, absolutely, FUCKED." Hellboy was just shell-shocked - he didn't even know that Gherkin had a girlfriend!
Gherkin sits down, and TheFiancee asked him, "Did you sleep with Cakes?" He tried to deny it, but FINALLY admitted that he had. TheFiancee totally lost it. She got up and started screaming to the frat guys in the bar: "This is a lying, cheating mother fucker, and he's got a goddamn PENCIL DICK - he's never been able to get me off..." Then she turned around and started smacking the shit out of Gherkin's head!"

Fun stuff.

Always,
S

Choke on This!

More Tales from the Grocery Cart! No fur coats or Prada-wearing meat thieves this time. . .

This weekend, I saw a woman pawing through a basket of parmigiano reggiano, taking out maybe 30 blocks of cheese until she found just the right one. She exclaimed, "Ahhh, this one is perfect!" as she carefully examined her Chosen Cheese.

Moments later, the maitre du fromage, which is a fancy way to say "cheese guy", came up to me and offered me a taste of some horrifically white, soft and dairy-scented mass on a plate. By the expression on his face, I must have looked at him as if he'd just asked me if I'd like a bite of fresh dog shit. . . (I haven't been able to handle cheese since "The Banquet Incident" in Dallas.)

While scanning my groceries, the checker-guy asked me if I had any big plans for Mother's Day. I said no, and he looked taken aback and said, "What? Why not?" I thought about it and quickly said, "Oh, I don't have kids." He had to push it of course, and said, "But are you doing anything for your Mom?" What to say, what to say. . .

(For the record, I decided to forego my usual, "Oh, she's dead" instead simply said, "No", and asked him his plans. Quite nice of me, don't you think?)

Always,
S

It's sad for us too

For lack of something better, here's a couple of album reviews:


Weezer-Make Believe (out May 10)

I really wanted this album to be good, but Make Believe is a disappointment. Flat out a disappointment. The guitar tone is shoddy, the drum parts are monotonous, Rivers' voice is weak (but not in that good angsty Pinkerton way) and the lyrics. . . Hoo-boy the lyrics. I think Rivers is trying to be the great poet that everyone tells him he is, but it's just not there. He goes so far out of his way to make sure that everyone knows there is more to him than the skeevy rock star, but in reality, the depth of his pool never goes more than about four inches. Take, for instance, these lyrics from Best Friend:

When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue
You are such a blessing and I wont be messing
With the one thing that brings light to all of my darkness
You are my best friend
and I love you,
and I love you
Yes I do

Sweet, yes - but aren't we in our thirties now?

The single, Beverly Hills is a classic Food Court song - in fact I heard it at the mall this weekend. We Are All On Drugs is about as sophomoric as the title implies. Maybe there's a deeper meaning here, but I couldn't get past the jaw-dropping stupidity of the lyrics to see anything other than a 35 year-old middle schooler. Freak Me Out is another lyrical wasteland - and the little "City streets at night" chorus sounds like a direct rip of The Postal Service's Recycled Air.

There are a few good things on Make Believe - Brian and Scott's backing vocals are great, and the piano parts are very nicely executed. (Granted, backing vocals and piano aren't much, but hey, at least it's something?) Perfect Situation and This Is Such A Pity will probably be growers (which is to say that I didn't cringe on first hearing them) and I did like The Damage In Your Heart which sounds like it could be a Pinkerton B-side.

I could go on about the brilliance of Blue, the heartbreak of Pinkerton, the pop genius of Green - but it's all been done to death. Weezer is a one-album wonder, and they owe their continued popularity to the cult that is their fans. The band says they will support this new venture until the end of the year, at which point they will decide on whether to go on or not. Sad as it may be, I think it's time we all gave a last final =w= and said goodbye.



Queens of the Stone Age - Lullabies to Paralyze

"This one goes out to Queens of the Trust Fund. You slept on my floor and now I'm sleeping through your motherfucking records." - Lyrics from the Dwarves Massacre

Hearing Lullabies to Paralyze immediately brought back a 1977 vision of my best friend and I sneaking into her older brother's room and finding a patchouli-infused oasis of lava lamps, op-art black light posters and a bunch of funny looking "cigarettes". Perhaps the Queens should find a way to include a few of those funny cigs with their new CD as that's the only thing that would make listening to that yawn-fest tolerable. The album starts out with a faux-moody spoken number featuring token vocalist Mark Lanegan, then jumps into the fairly decent Medication and Everybody Knows You Are Insane. The latter has a really nice vibe-y guitar intro and turns smoky-crunchy towards the middle. The single, Little Sister, could be a great song, but it seems to be missing something. The remainder of the album drags on to the point that you begin to glare at the CD player hoping that will cause the song to end faster (perhaps they took the title of the album a little too seriously?) The overall feel after enduring listening to the entire thing was "thank the gods that's over!"

It was hard not to write this from the point of view of a disgruntled Nick Olivieri fan (the former QOTSA bass player was sacked by Josh Homme just prior to the recording of this album) and while listening to Lullabies, all I could think was, "Where's the bass?" Homme may "...write over 90% of the Queens material" but it was definitely Olivieri's powerful low-end attack and trademark screams that made the Queens.

In the end, I'd say that this one ain't worth the dough unless you've got a lot of funny cigarettes lying about.



Unmercifully yours,
S

Going to hell in a fast car

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE my car. . .

I started hearing that thump-clud-wronk! noise from the back end again so I took it to Nissan to get an alignment. Nissan has a semi-recall out on the cars, telling you to take it in for a toe-in alignment adjustment if you hear noise from the back end. (You have to be really careful to keep a good toe-in alignment with the '03's or you lose tires quickly.) I've already had it in once on Nissan's money, but now it's up to me to keep it in good shape. No problem, an alignment is a hell of a lot cheaper than four new tires. So I took it to the dealer and the guy who took my info asked me which way it was pulling - I told him it wasn't pulling, but I knew from the noise that the toe-in was off. He looked at me like I was insane and wrote "car pulls" on the service ticket. I reiterated to him that it was NOT pulling and I wasn't wanting a recall-related alignment, I was paying for it myself. When I picked it up, they hadn't done the alignment because they "couldn't reproduce the pulling". No shit, assholes.

The day before I took it in, the craptastic high quality Bose stereo stopped reading CDs. So I had them order a replacement stereo for me as well. This will be Bose #3 for me - I'm still not on top of the Bose-Replacement-Race on the Z-Forums, some guy is on #5. . .

I'm saving the hatchback latch and the gas cover problems for next time - you KNOW there will be a next time. . .

In summary, this is what's been wrong with the Z:
Tire Pressure Monitors: Replaced
Toe-In Alignment: Fixed
Feathered Tires: Replaced
Driver's Side Window Motor: Replaced
Bose Stereo System 1: Replaced
Bose Stereo System 2: Replaced
Toe-In Alignment 2: Pending
Gas Cap Latch: Pending
Trunk Latch: Pending

This is the only car I've ever had where I was able to take advantage of the damn warranty (and how!)

Oh, and somewhat Z-related - my little "Obscured License Plate" Ticket?? $185!!! Fucking hell!!



Without further discussion of cars, here are your Friday links:

I'm revisiting a favorite theme: Religious Wing-Nuts

This is Lorraine Jensen, and she wants to tell you a thing or two about Jesus. Too bad Jesus didn't tell her a thing or two about restraint in web design. (Actually, I ripped some pretty kickass fire graphics from her Hell page. . .) Be sure you "Click on His Payment" to see Lorraine's whole schtick - including the JESUS SLIDE SHOW!!

This is a classy 9-11 memorial. . . Wait a minute. . . Can it be? I think it is. . . Yes! It Is!! It's NASCAR JESUS!!!





And what about This Heavenly Jesus Picture? Surely she could sell that to the Golden Palace Casino on Ebay, don'cha think??

I think I've posted this before, but you know cleanliness is next to godliness! (Does anybody really need instruction on how to clean their kitchen??)


Always,
S

How DOES one choose a corpse?

Wife was brains behind plot to fake husband's death
Molly Daniels chose cemetery, researched how to burn corpse beyond recognition

Photo: Molly Daniels. She testified Wednesday about theft, burning of elderly Burnet woman's body. (Kelly West /AMERICAN-STATESMAN)

By Melissa Ludwig

AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF

Thursday, May 05, 2005

GEORGETOWN — When Clayton Daniels left his Leander home the night of June 18 with shovels and lighter fluid, his wife knew exactly where he was going.

As the brains of a sordid plot to fake her husband's death, Molly Daniels had selected the corpse he would dig up and researched how to burn it beyond recognition, she testified Wednesday.

Clayton Daniels would dig up the six-month-old grave of 81-year-old Charlotte Davis of Burnet and pry open her casket, his wife said. He would dress her decomposed body in tennis shoes, Faded Glory jeans and a Harley-Davidson baseball cap with a fishhook on it — a cap she would later describe her husband as wearing when he left.

Then, she said, he would put the body in a green Chevy, push it off a roadside cliff in Burnet County and burn up the body and vehicle.

"We felt because she was older, there would not be much family impact, if any," Molly Daniels told the jury.

Daniels pleaded guilty in District Court in Williamson County on Tuesday to insurance fraud and hindering apprehension. She faces up to 20 years in prison. Prosecutors say she did it to keep her husband, a convicted sex offender, out of prison — and to collect on a $110,000 insurance policy.

The jury will begin deliberating her sentence today, after lawyers make closing arguments.

On Wednesday, Daniels cried on the stand and told jurors she was sorry for what she did. She had not considered the effects of her actions, she said.

Co-worker Amy Birkenfeld told jurors that employees of the gutter company where Daniels was a receptionist rallied around her after what they believed to be the tragic death of her husband. They raised $1,000 to help with expenses.

They shut down the small business to attend Clayton Daniels' memorial service, where more than 100 mourners signed the guest book, Birkenfeld and other witnesses said.

Neighbor Jennifer Panas testified that when she saw a note tacked to a bulletin board in her neighborhood, it pulled at her heartstrings: "Newly-widowed mom needs a baby sitter."

Panas baby-sat 4-year-old Caleb and 1-year-old Haley Jo for $120 a week, well below market value for child care, Panas said.

Panas said Caleb seemed to be having a difficult time with the death of his father. She said the boy tormented her dog and tried to push the other children down the stairs.

"He wasn't quite all there," Panas said. "It was clear there were huge issues that weren't being dealt with."

On Tuesday, Texas Ranger Garth Davis testified that Molly Daniels told Caleb his daddy had gone to heaven. Within weeks, she introduced him to Jake Gregg, a new boyfriend who looked like Clayton Daniels, but with dyed black hair.

Sympathy for the grieving widow turned cold when police arrested the couple in December for faking Daniels' death.

"We felt used and betrayed," Birkenfeld said.

Clayton Daniels was set to begin a sentence for sex crimes against a child, Molly Daniels testified, and she thought he would not be allowed to live with his children.

"It was about keeping our family together," she said.

The children live with Molly Daniels' mother and Caleb has been receiving counseling, Molly Daniels said.

Quickie

Best. Headline. Ever.

May I see your license please?

Okay, it's Tuesday but I'm post-dating this to Monday because this is what I planned to write yesterday. . .

The inevitable happened on Saturday: I got my first Z ticket. Guess what it was for - Are you ready?? A rolling stop and an OBSCURED LICENSE PLATE!! Can you believe that shit? Obscured plate? The fuck?? I have the damn dealer frame on there - but he said it was covering the "Texas" so it was illegal. Like you couldn't figure out it was a Texas plate with the little Texas shape, the cowboy and the oil well? Geesh! See for yourself:


(Obviously, the numbers are not blacked out on the real plate.)

So I found out later that day that several people I know got tickets for asinine "offenses" all week - I guess it was an end of the month sweep?? Rick got one for following too closely and no front license plate, Diane got one for an obscured plate (blasted dealer frame again), LEP got one for failure to use a turn signal when changing lanes, Secaibo got because he did not change lanes or slow to less than 20 mph (on IH 35!) when he passed an emergency vehicle (i.e. a cop who was probably writing another ridiculous ticket) on the side of the road, and Vanessa got one for driving TOO SLOW!!! (I saw the ticket - she was doing 66 in a 70 and he gave her a fucking ticket!! Oh, HELL NO. . .)

What a world, what a world.
S.