Separated at Birth...

Malcolm McDowell and Bryce Dallas Howard



Teddy Roosevelt and DxB



Jared Leto and ?


Always,

S

She's not dead...

...she's just lazy.

Yep. Just lazy. And a little bored. No more "Crack Whore Chronicles" or work drama or love triangle bullshit. (All that's still going on, it's just that I'm damn tired of thinking about it.)

Nope. Today I just feel like complaining.

1. I type like an idiot. I can't get through one sentence without having to make a correction. It drives me nuts. (I actually typed that sentence without making a mistake. However, I made two mistakes in typing the sentence that noted my lack of mistakes.) Everytime I capitalize something, there are two capital letters, not one: SHeila, CRack... you get the idea. Every time I type any word with a d, g, v, c, t, r, or e in it, I always add an extra "f": Likfe fthis. Seef how annoyingf thaft is??

2. "If you got a condition, it's bad to forget your medicine." That's from Sin City. Some people need to take that to heart. And that's my complaint.

3. "Play it by ear"?? Fuck that.


4. My blood pressure is high. (Imagine that!) But not high enough for meds. I just have to take better care of myself.

5. I'm still not sleeping.

Always,

S

Crack Whore Chronicles Chapter 2

HB has gone from engineer to full-on crackhead-slash-pimp!

HB's always been looking for a way to "be his own boss" and I guess he's finally found his niche. Appears he's got his little "girlfriend" and a couple of her friends "working" for him now. He told Mr. S. his whole "business plan" and how he would give the girls a higher percentage of money than other pimps handed out. (How does one find out what the current average percentage crack whores are making, anyway?) He was quite proud of his managerial skills, and told Mr. S. that he finally felt fulfilled.

Seriously.

This shit is really happening.

I'm taking applications for new friends...


Always,

S

Keep your friends close

but your enemies closer.

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Myspace Stalking

I was looking at a friend of a friend of a friend's Friend List and I found *Patsy (*names have been changed to protect the blah, blah, blah) - a 37 year old woman from Austin who is interested in friends and dating. She's pretty cute - lots of pics of her in swimsuits and dresses, and one of her in a red and purple "hip hop" outfit that's right from MTV... Patsy's friends list was kind of fun as well, as it was populated almost solely with extremely HOT muscle-bound black dudes. I read a few of Patsy's blog entries and came upon this one:

As a lot of yall know I usually go to [name of club] on Saturday nights....well they are 'changing the format' which really means they are tired of black folks again and are trying to run them off ...it's not the first time they have done it.

Okay. (I don't know how to finish this without seeming racist...) Patsy is white. Not that there's anything wrong with a white gal having a hell of a lot of black friends!!! It's just that the blog entry was a little funny, you know. And seriously... the pic of her in the hip-hop outfit? She looked like a soccer-mom on Halloween. (I'm going to Hell, I know it!) But shit, she's got the market cornered on the hot black men in Austin, so MORE POWER TO HER!!!

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Yo-Ho-Hottie! (totally stolen from Moviephone)

We went to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest today during work. (The boss actually told us to leave to go see it.) At one point I looked over at the girls and MaryA was giggling (Will Tanner), Trani had a lost, dreamy trance-like gaze on her face (Captain Jack), and NRA was sitting forward elbows on her knees with the biggest smile I'd seen on her in a long time (Pirates in general). They were so cute I wanted to take a picture!

The movie was a lot of fun. Typical Disney/Hollywood stuff, but fun. Don't worry, there are no spoilers here, just let me say this: maybe they should have called it Hamsters of the Caribbean.

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Arbeit macht Frei

The War has escalated. The Axis (RW, Cakes, Soduc and NRA) and the Allies (MaryA, DxB, Trani, and YHA) are fully formed and preparing for battle. The Allies are sending in two senior commanders to talk to the Axis Dictator on Monday. If there is no resolution and no peace accord, bombing will commence on the front lines immediately.

Who's developing the A-bomb? My sources say the Allies have that one wrapped up.

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Ode to Valium and Oklahoma

Sunrise is meeting ReallyISHerBoyfriend's parents today. I think she's meeting his ENTIRE family, in fact. She said that NO ONE in his family gets divorced. Ever. To me, this means either that those people are damn good at finding their true loves, OR they are living in some fucked up situations! I guess it's a good thing though, no divorce. But really folks... it's weird!

Anyhoo, I hope Sunrise does okay. I'm pretty sure that sometime this weekend I'll get a phone call that is nothing but a streaming litany of fucks and goddamns though, since she's going to try to be a little angel around the fam. Maybe they're not as uptight as we fear. (Maybe they're worse!) God, what if they are worse? What the hell will their wedding be like??? (YHA likes to jump the gun a bit.)

So, I like the boyfriend, and they seem happy. I've only seen one potential red flag with him, and that was when he told me that he wanted Sunrise to cut her hair so she'd look just like his mom. That produced a mild "Eek!" from me. But, I give him props because he admitted it was Freudian, so I'll let it slide. For now.


Have a wonderful weekend,

S

Estrogen Bombs

More deadly than fission and twice as unstable.


Here's a summary of what's going on at my workplace.

Cakes thinks she is in charge of MaryAchee's project and is acting like she's her supervisor despite the fact that RW told everyone today that HE was the only supervisor in the lab. NRA thinks that Cakes has every right to keep a Big-Brother-style eye on Mary because (in her words) Mary can't do anything right. This stems (probably) from Mary's slight ditziness which is enhanced by her failure to listen and her insistence on doing 550 things at one time. Trani is feeling a little resentful of golden child Cakes, but is doing an excellent job acting like an adult. Cakes is always trying to dig the dirt on Mary by asking NRA and your humble author for "the gossip". Meanwhile, Mary is always trying to find out what anybody/everybody is saying behind her back by asking Trani and Your Humble Author. Soduc is sticking her nose up everyone's ass, in a seeming attempt to egg on the cat fighting. NRA and Cakes bitched to RW about DxB not pulling his weight because he won't dissect fish. RW announced that he didn't have to because he was a CHEMIST, so Your Humble Author (of course) had to take one for the girls team and holler, "Then why do I have to dissect??" (An aside - I didn't even want to provoke the beast that time, but I felt I just had to - I mean seriously - It was like, "Hey RW, here's a big steaming pile of shit. Why don't you step right in it??) Soduc is not talking much to Trani or to YHA - not like that's any great loss!


Everyone is building their list of enemies and alliances and as best I can tell it goes like this:

MILITARY ENGAGEMENTS:

Frontline Battle: Cakes vs. MaryAchee

Secondary Skirmish: NRA vs. MaryAchee

Terroristic Bombings: Soduc

Cold War: Trani vs. Cakes

ALLIANCES

Cakes, Soduc and NRA

MaryA and Trani

Trani and YHA


SWITZERLAND (or at least trying to be)

YHA



Good God!




Always,

S

You probably had to be there...

Some snippets of conversation I witnessed this week:



*Jimmy: Hey Donnie - what are you doing tonight? Going out?

Donnie: Yeah. Oh. Hey. Do you have a leather vest I can borrow?

Jimmy: Yeah - I - oh wait... I don't know if I have a vest - but I have some pants with the suspenders and straps that go around the neck... I mean, I have a LOT of leather stuff, but actually I don't think I have a vest. I do have a black vest - it's not leather - but you could wear that.

Donnie: What about the suspenders?

Jimmy: Oh sure - I'll run and get it for you after dinner. I'll have to dig that stuff waaay out of the closet though! Ever since I've become a kept man my leather bar days have been few and far between!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent

----------------------------------------------------------------

MS: Apparently he's become rather fond of her.

YHA: What exactly does he see in her?

MS: Well, I guess she's kind of decent looking. For a hooker.

YHA: (rolls eyes)

MS: But she's got a few teeth missing, so she looks kind of funny.

Crack Whore Chronicles

When someone calls you and the first thing out of their mouth is, "GOD! Okay, this is what happened now..." You know you're in for a good time.

Seems the crackwhores - or at least ONE of the crack whores - is still staying at HB's place. (BTW, what IS the proper spelling - two words - "crack whore" or one word - "crackwhore"?) Anyway, I gather she was using his place as a flophouse-slash-brothel for the past week. HB was cool with that (whaaa?) until about Sunday, when he decided that he didn't want her doing her "business transactions" in his house. But, ever the gentleman, he offered to DRIVE her to a cheap hotel and pick her up when she was (ahem) done. I guess it was during one of these chauffering-events that the two lovebirds got into an argument and she started threatening to call the cops or something like that. HB freaked out and called Mr. September, demanding that he come over there and "help" him.

Mr. S., being an IDIOT, went over there. HB gave him a bank bag full of paraphernalia (whatever) and told him to get rid of it for him. HB was afraid that that gal "Cracky" would actually call the cops and he didn't want them to find all the (whatever) in his apartment.

Like I said, Mr. S. is an IDIOT, so he took the stuff and dumped it. Then HB told him that Cracky threatened to send her PIMP over on Monday to get her stuff out of HB's place. (No wait - it gets better...) Then HB had the BALLS to ask Mr. September to STAY AT HIS HOUSE THE NEXT DAY while he went to work, and PROTECT HIS PLACE AGAINST THE PIMP.

(you know it's coming...)

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK????

What kind of "friend" would even DREAM of putting someone you alledgedly care about into that kind of potentially dangerous situation? I mean - that's like a potentially DEADLY situation! Pimps? Crack? JEZUS!!!!!!

Thankfully Mr. S. isn't quite that much of an idiot, and he politely declined.



So.

Next morning, HB called Mr. S. (You know where this is going, but I'll write it anyway.) He and his little chicky kissed and made up and they wanted the bag of (whatever) back. Well, you can imagine what would happen to a bag of (whatever) lying in a dumpster in bum-alley Austin. It was long gone, man. And of course, HB was pissed at Mr. S. - this being "all his fault" and all. . .

To top it all off, this morning while I was getting that latest update from Mr. S., HB called my phone. I didn't pick up, but he left a message: "Hey, it's me. I'm at work, just calling to say hi and see what's up." All cheery like nothing's going on.


GAH!!!



Always,

S