Of Biblical Proportions?

(Okay, so this post is a little out of date...)

A Special HURRICANE EDITION of

TALES FROM THE GROCERY CART!!

So last week, Texas was bracing for the onslaught of Hurricane Rita, and as we all know, it wasn't nearly as bad as everyone had feared. But keep in mind that the following events occured when Rita was still churning in the Gulf as a Category 5 and heading straight for Houston.

On Wednesday afternoon, DxB informed me that we were out of both mayo and crackers, and as the only food he consumes is tuna salad on crackers, I felt compelled to go to the grocery store so he wouldn't starve. Now, I knew that people were freaking about the hurricane, and I figured the store would be a little busy, but Holy Crap! I had NO idea what I was in for!

I got to the parking lot and it was jam-packed. I thought about saying "fuck it" and heading back home, but the thought of watching DxB stare broken-heartedly into the fridge all night drove me forward. I finally got a space and made my way through the throng of people. I swear, every single person in San Marcos was there and they were in full hoarding mode. People had multiple carts piled high with shit - it was unbelievable! And the shelves... they were completely barren as if a plague of convenience food loving locusts had descended upon the store. No bread, no canned tuna, no cereal, no bananas (that one confused me - why the run on bananas? There were oodles of apples and oranges... Eh, whatever.)

The best thing of all were the people. Absolute fucking hysteria! Folks were grabbing shit off the shelves like Armageddon was coming! I told Okashii that it was like a really bad made-for-TV disaster movie. Some woman was hollering that the pharmacy across town still had cases of bottle water. Some guy yelled that he'd heard that Radio Shack just got a shipment of batteries in. Everyone was on their cell phones saying stuff like, "they don't have any more X! What are we going to do???" CHAOS!

I was getting pretty damn cynical (what, me? noooo...) and I fell back into my old "Hurricane Preparation Routine" that I manifested when I lived in Houston: purchase two twelve-packs of Diet Cokes and two boxes of cherry Pop-Tarts. (And yeah, I got the dastardly mayo and crackers for DxB...)

I finally made it to the checkout line, and started to look at what these damn fools were purchasing. God DAMN! People didn't just get a few cans of stuff - oh HELL no - they were taking entire BOXES of food from the shelves! CASES of canned chili, ravioli, and soups. Multiple boxes of crackers. Five, six loaves of bread. And water. Oh my GOD. Some people had one entire cart containing nothing but bottled water. I saw that the woman in front of me, in addition to her 876 cans of Dinty Moore Beef Stew, had grabbed FIVE can openers. FIVE!! What the hell? I mean, she had a lot of cans to open but. . .

But the climax of the evening happened when I turned around and saw what can only be described as The Sublime Toilet Paper Incarnation. It was a cart, piled so high with toilet paper that surely some basic laws of physics were being completely ignored. Four packs of 24 rolls it was. That's 96 rolls of toilet paper. NINETY-SIX. Out from behind this marvel stepped a woman of substantial size who bore a look of grave worry on her face. By this time, I was completely flabbergasted and so I turned to her and said, "That's a lot of toilet paper you got there." Her reply? "Well, you never know how LONG we could be trapped!" "Trapped by what?" I inquired. Her eyes got as big as platters and she practically yelled at me, "DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A HURRICANE COMING??"

It truly was a beautiful moment.



And with that, here are some post-hurricane facts for you:

San Marcos elevation: >620 feet above sea level.
Distance from the Gulf Coast-Galveston region: ~215 miles inland.
Average precipitation resulting from Hurricane Rita in the San Marcos area: 0.0"
Average wind gust resulting from Hurricane Rita in the San Marcos area: 20 mph
Tornadic activity in the San Marcos area following Hurricane Rita landfall: None
Reported power outages in the San Marcos area following Hurricane Rita: None
Weather conditions in San Marcos following Hurricane Rita landfall: Clear and hot
High temperatures in the immediate days following Hurricane Rita landfall: 105-108 degrees


Always,
S


P.S. Happy Getting Old Day to Hellboy and Mister Wrong!!

Waitin' for a Superman

Screw this crap I've had it!

What a week. I've been sort of wacko for a couple of weeks - not sleeping, not eating, doing a million different things at once - you know the story. It started when the Southeast Wind came to Austin with those two little laminated cards... None of you (excepting the Wind herself) know what the hell I'm talking about, and I'm not going into it other than to say that it was not a repeat of '02, nor was it a repeat of '94 - but rather somewhere in between. Regardless, that's where it started - where it always starts: Death by Water.


Will the fight for our sanity be the fight of our lives?

Home is the Cyclone. You've all been to Astroworld, right? It looks good until you get right up to it and you see the wood is chipped and the paint is peeling. You get on the ride, thinking "it has to be okay, right?" And you're shaken and bumped and tossed around - you just know that at the next curve the whole creaking thing will collapse into a pile of red, white, and blue toothpicks. But it doesn't. Somehow, it survives - you survive - and against all reason, you get in line for another round. You think, "Well, it's been here forever - it can't fall down."


Is it getting heavy? Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be.

And there's this lava dome and you just wait for the liquid earth below to be released. A huge explosion that leaves a smoldering caldera, or a slow ooze - you don't know. So you wait, and wait, and wait for something to happen. But the DG isn't negative, honey - you gotta add energy to that sucker to get it going. (Sorry about the PChem reference.)


A spoonful weighs a ton.

Energy. You start digging at that wall of rock above you. But it's slow going because your tool of choice is a spoon. Little bits fall away here and there, but it's not enough to make a difference. That dome is too thick, too much for just one little spoonful at a time.


I like you way too much.

Then a storm blows in and confusion reigns supreme. Something you thought you had under control is now completely detached from reason. You don't even know what you're doing - like you've split in two, and one half of you just goes with the flow while the other half says "What the Fuck?" Death by Water version 2.


How stupid is it? I can't talk about it.

And you ask the winds, and the West Wind screams "NO!" but the Southeast Wind - oh that dastardly Southeast Wind - she says "go".


Oh to realize that something in ending within us...

And during the drizzle you have a series of ideas - small epiphanies. Funny, because the source is the last place you'd ever look for clarity. (Sometimes it takes chaos to destroy chaos.) You see, finally, what you've been told for so long but didn't understand. Now back to the Cyclone with your newfound insight - or are too tired to stand in line again?


'Cause in reality there was no reaction.

And you do nothing. Frustration leads you to fling yourself against that wall, flailing around like a bat in a belfry. You're getting absolutely nowhere now, and all you're doing is wearing yourself out.


She had withered all away.

But you wonder if there's going to be any effort by anyone else or are you all on your own? Is it punishment? Because now you understand. But if no one cares by now... And you cry? We don't like that at all.


I stood up and I said Hey! Yeah!!

So then another epiphany. This time - screw the spoon! Screw the flailing! You buy a bulldozer. You will wreck the wall this time. You make charts and graphs and draw out your plans - but plans are just plans. Energy. Don't forget that.
Wonder if you can make oil and water mix?


Always,
S

Are you just gonna hang around here your whole life?

It seems like all the doors to all our labs and offices are broken or damaged in some way. Everything from the electronic locks not working to door knobs falling off – you name it, we got it. There’s one door in the Stock Center that we haven’t been able to use for weeks. The building maintenance guys came by and “ordered parts” back in August, but we never heard from them again. So for now, it has a sign that says, "Don’t use this door except for emergencies".

So yesterday, one of the elusive maintenance guys comes up to Soduc, our secretary, and says, “Uh, you gotta problem with a door?” Like I said, every damn door here has a problem, so she tells him that we have several problems with several doors, and asks which he’s referring to. He says, “Uh… I think it goes to room 4-something?” Well, no shit, genius. Here on the fourth floor, most of the doors do indeed go to room 4-something. They finally figure out that he’s supposed to be dealing with the stock center door and then the questions started. He asked her what they were supposed to do to the door, what was wrong with it, what part did they order and from where, why the previous guy didn’t fix it… on and on. She finally said, look – you are the repair person – you should know the answers to these questions, not me. I just want the door fixed! He paused for a while then said this:


“So, uh – so what’s the ultimate goal for this door?”


Stunned silence. Well, except for PeeGee and me trying not to DIE from holding our laughter in. Soduc gave him the stink-eye and said, “The goal is to be able to go in and out of the door.” Well goddamn! Who’d’ve thunk it??

Always,

S

Happy Joy

This one is for Sunrise - Happy Birthday, Bitch!!

NoTimeFriday

Flying Cats?

Catsup Crapper

This is why I love IMDB

Extremely Lame Post

PREMIUM!

So how much does gas cost where you live? I scored Sunday and found 93 octane for LESS THAN THREE BUCKS!! Yeah, baby - $2.99! Only cost me 45 dollars to fill the Z. That's what I'm talkin' about.

What I don't get is when the price of gas goes up dramatically, why doesn't the price of other petroleum products go up as well? I fully expected to pay something like 12 bucks for a plastic shower curtain liner this weekend, but was shocked to see they were still a bargain at $1.99.



Hmm...

Take a vinegar bottle. A one gallon vinegar bottle:


And a PREMIUM (unleaded) vinyl shower curtain liner:



Now measure the VOLUME of the liner by stuffing it into the bottle:

Hmm, easier said than done...

IDEA!



Box Cutter to the rescue!



I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T!



Stuff the liner in:




VOILA! The volume of a shower curtain liner is...



ONE GALLON!

So we have, a one-gallon PREMIUM unleaded shower curtain liner at $1.99 versus one gallon of PREMIUM unleaded gasoline at $2.99...

The choice is obvious:





Hmm... what's next?



Think that'll void the warranty?




Always,
S

Drive By

So this is how it's going to work. TVS will be updated MWF, and the TRockets site will be updated on TTh.

In other words: NUTGLAP
(no update today, go look at porn)

Always,
S

I'm back with a vengeance!

Disclaimer: Links on this post are NOT safe for work. The actual post itself is probably safe for work, but is definitely not safe for anyone with eyesight or a sense of common decency.

I've been trying to write this post for a while, and I've found that there's really nothing I can say that can do justice to the pictures I'm about to show you. Please prepare yourselves my dear friends, for you are about to witness the awesome power that is. . .

KNEESOCKS GIRL!!!

Kneesocks Girl, or KSG as I affectionately call her, is one of the Southern Charms webgirls, and what a southern charm she is:




Miss Socks lists her age as 38 (or 39 or 40, depending on which page you look at), her height (spelled HEIGTH, which is correct if you are in the south) as 5'1", her dress size as a 16, her panty size as a 7, her sexual orientation as "100% straight" and her muff as "Shaved". Oh, and her favorite drink is Mountain Dew. (Aren't you glad I threw that in so you could knock the image of her shaved muff out of your head?)

KSG never says what southern state she's from, and the majority of guesses have been Georgia. But for some reason, I'm thinking Kentucky. Wherever it is, there is certainly a shortage of eyebrow wax there:

KSG likes to accessorize her already lovely outfits by wearing knee-high socks when she's out on the town with her hubby, who remarks that people always stare at her when they go out. He adds, "It's because she looks so hot." Hubby should know what's hot - I mean, look at what he gets to look at in the mirror every day. Yum!

Of her hubby, KSG had this to say to PH boarder Jesus H. Christ: "I had seven boyfriends, one was real bad and shot me in the leg then I got this one since 1993 and we been together since then and married since 1998." Probably had to fight off quite a few skank-ho's to keep that man!

Now you probably obliterated this from your memory, but I did tell you that KSG is part of an amateur porn site. Now, I haven't coughed up the $24.95 for a membership yet (maybe a gift membership for a certain Charming Southern guy I know is in order?) but rest assured, I have taken full advantage of KSG's free pics area. And because I love you all, I'm going to share them with you!

Now you all know about my little goth-girl fetish. . . When I saw KSG in this outfit. . . well, you can imagine what happened:

As if that wasn't enough, check out this jungle number. RAWR!

But wait!!! I'm saving the best for last! Again, because I love you, here is your all-out-bikini-blowout!!!

If you can pry your eyes off KSG's hot bod, check out her walls and desk - unicorns, stuffed animals, Mountain Dew - this shit is priceless!!

Rest assured, this is not the last time this blog will visit dear KNEESOCKS!!

Always,
S

The Beast Arises

TVS updates will commence on Monday, September 5, 2005.



Much Love,
S