To-morrow, when I wake, or think I do, what shall I say of to-day?
--Last night I tried to go to bed a little early since I had to drop the car off at the dealership early in the morning, drive to Austin for a doctor's appointment, then get back to the lab. You know what they say about the best laid plans...
--So what happened? Well, to start with, the electricity completely shit the bed last night. Half the house was going out, like before, but in addition, the stove would only heat up if you banged on it for a while, and the water heater quit working. (No showers for you!) We figured out that the lights would only come back on if you turned on a major appliance like the dryer, the furnace, or the stove. What the HELL?? So, DxB checked the breakers and found that they were corroded to shit, so he replaced them all this morning and went to work thinking he'd fixed the problem. Of course, when we got home half the house was out, as usual. DxB had several small strokes at this point, and I just started laughing.
--To make matters worse, the front tire treads on the Z were undulating like a drunken hula-girl, so I had to take it in for new tires and an alignment. They had to order the tires and said it would be two weeks before they came in. TWO WEEKS? I asked if it was okay to drive on those crappy tires until then, and the Nissan guy said, "Yeah, just don't drive too fast!" Sure buddy, it's a friggin' 350Z...
--Work isn't any better either. Yet another service engineer (number three!) came out and "fixed" the real-time on Tuesday. He replaced the laser, which is what Engineer #2 said was wrong with the instrument. Everything worked great, so I thanked him and he left. Lo and behold, on Wednesday morning, I couldn't get the instrument to communicate with the computer. I called Engineer #3 back, and he said that it sounded like it wasn't the laser that was bad, but maybe the power supply was the problem. Turns out he couldn't check to see if the old laser was bad, because Engineer #2 took it with him after the initial service call, and now no one knows where the original is. I would think that there would be a way to test whether it's the laser (a $6000 part, mind you) is bad, or if the power supply is bad, or if both are bad. Unfortunately, I don't think Engineer #2 bothered to check any of those things. Engineer #2 is the one who called and told me the laser was dead without ever having looked at the instrument. He's also the one who started installing the new laser while insisting that our maintenance agreement covered the repair (it didn't.) He's also the one who Okashii described as "maybe the worst engineer in the company". Joy, Joy, Joy!
--And it doesn't end! The "auto-grabber" on the garbage truck got a little aggressive and busted our garbage can this afternoon. Now the lid just sort of hangs by one little plastic hinge. Super.
--But wait! I'm still not done! I was eating a piece of bread earlier, and I managed to chip my front tooth! WTF? I'm the only person in the world who could chip a tooth on bread!!
ARRRGGHHHHHH!!!!! What's next? Airplane engine through the skylight? Exploding toilets? Rabies? Bleeding walls? I'm fully expecting the house to spin around and crumble into itself in a flash of light, Poltergeist-style.
The power went off three times last night. You wouldn't think that would wake you up, but it did for some strange reason. It was especially weird because only about half the house was down; the master bedroom, master bath, hallway, kitchen and garage. Everything else was working fine. I don't know if it's my house or the electric company... If the shit burns down with me in it, make sure you guys sue the hell out of somebody!
In the midst of all that, I had some crazy-shit dream going on.
I think a little background may help with the inevitable dream interpretation. Before bed I had been talking to The Ascetic about a friend's new baby. The Ascetic is still suffering from "baby fever", so the new addition to the extended family was bittersweet. (Of course, I can't even fathom why he'd want a baby, but that's irrelevant here.) So, after trying unsuccessfully to convince The Ascetic (in the nicest way possible) that he's not exactly "father material" I went to bed.
The dream started with Okashii arriving at my door looking very distressed and carrying a gym bag. As I let him in he said, "I need help!" and he opened the gym bag, revealing a newborn baby sleeping inside. At first I thought the baby was dead, but when I picked it up, it started crying. Okashii was asking me what to do with it, and I kept saying "How the hell should I know?" I asked him whose it was, and he said it was his, but he didn't know who the mother was. I kept asking, and he kept insisting that he knew who gave birth to the baby, but didn't know who the mother was. I was getting very confused, and the baby was crying a'plenty so I told him he needed to feed him (it was a boy). We got into an argument about what kind of formula to buy (ever the anti-dairyite, I was insisting on soy.) and told him we would ask The Ascetic, because he would know what to do. So, we got in the Z and drove to The Ascetic's house. (I have no idea where we put the baby in the Z, and apparently it only took a few seconds to drive to Boston.) We get there, and TA is thrilled about this baby and wants to keep it for himself. All of a sudden, Okashii decides that he too wants the baby, and they fight about it. It's about to come to blows, they were calling each other all manner of names, and I decided to bolt. I jump in the car and start driving off. Then it hits me that it is absolutely imperative that we teach this infant how to play drums. I drive back, get a drumset out of my car (It's the clown-car Z!) and tell TA and Okashii my plan. They agree, and we sit the baby on the throne and start teaching him rudiments. Then TA decides that drums are all wrong, and the boy needs to learn piano. Okashii pulls out a microscopic violin... it gets a little cloudy here - but they were pulling out all kinds of musical instruments. . . That's about the time the power went off and I woke up. (There's other little freaky details and additional shit that was too hard to write about.)
Yeah I know, "that's fucked up..."
save me jebus?
real problems take precedence over self-absorbed loathing.
I think Poopie is headed off the cliff. The VV and I looked at the DSM-IV, and the Poopster is showing eight of the nine criteria for major depressive episode. VV tried to talk to him, tried to get him to seek some help, but Poop is the type who thinks depression is "not real". Maybe he's deliberately trying to flunk out so he can avoid the wrath of his parents. He thinks that if he gets kicked out, his parents can't blame him, but if he just drops out, then it's all his fault. Of course, this denies the fact failing out of school is his own fault, but logic is not a strong characteristic in this family.
trust me, i'm an expert
I don't know where I've been for the last two weeks...
Didn't suck as much as I had anticipated.
Flooding rivers (eh? ...) = fucking ridiculous detours.
There should be a constitutional amendment making it illegal to mix green beans, mushroom soup, and fried onions.
I'm so fucking glad I don't have kids.
I bought a toilet. (Can someone explain why the white toilet costs $128, and the bone toilet $208???)
A conversation with Zip Larch* from A pilot pisses my Bed* (an Applera Corporation):
*All names have been changed to protect the innocent.
"Can I request a specific person to do the training?"
"Do you have someone in mind?"
"Well, we'd like Igor Sudan to do it, he's really helped me a lot with the decision to buy, and in fact, he's the one who first suggested the instrument to me."
"Well, I can't guarantee anything, but I know Igor is a really great trainer. I was talking to (some name), who isn't Igor's boss, but I told her that every trainer needs to go with Igor to see how he does it."
"Yes, like I said, he's been really helpful, and since he's familiar with our research..."
"And I'm sure Igor told you that I was the one who got him his job here, right?"
(Sheila loses the ability to ass-kiss-jibber-jabber at this point)
"He wouldn't be here without me."
(Sheila's thinking, 'the fuck??')
"Well, we sure miss him here, but I know he's doing a great job for you guys at A pilot pisses my Bed."
In conclusion, I stole this from Jeff, but I don't care 'cause I like it: Best. Panhandler. Ever.