Fruit Fly

"Frankly, I’d rather have the titties. And titties scare the crap out of me." - James St. James

I have this acquaintance, I'll call her Kelly, who is about to make a transition from Fag Hag to outright Beard. I haven't met her boyfriend - excuse me, fiancee - but I can tell from the things she's said that he is a raging closet case.

Kelly's always been attracted to guys who tend towards the pink side of the Joto Scale, and I think she's pretty oblivious to the flametasmagoria that is her beau. (The man has a poster of Clay Aiken. . . Hello?)

Let's make one thing clear - Kelly is a certified Wing Nut. Blanche-fuckin'-DuBois. She's the biggest lunatic I know, and if you know my friends. . . She's forever making bad, bad, BAD choices about everything, especially men. She started dating the current one about three days after breaking up with her last fiancee. Of course, she was still imagining that she and her Stalkee, Michael, would be married someday, and was trying to organize a trip out west to get another hookup with someone else. (Yeah, she's a little slutty.)

As far as the "love of her life" is concerned (this is LOHL #6 as best I can tell), she likes 'em to be sensitive, and the newbie fits the bill, and how! Now, there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but ya gotta draw the line somewhere. Having to pull the car to the side of the road because the radio station is playing your girlfriend's favorite song or sobbing in the middle of class because someone said something that reminded you of her is not "sensitive" - it's histrionic. I think what Kelly really likes is drama, and Lord knows about queens and drama. . .

And yet the drama, the hissy fits (he throws tantrums and refuses to speak to her for days at a time), his American Idol fascination - just the tip, baby. The real kicker is is plan for the "Platonic marriage". He's convinced her that he "loves her too much" to treat her as "a sexual object". Mmm, hmmm... Bass-Taping anyone?

All in all, I feel a little bad for the guy - apparently his parents are extreme right-wingers who hate homos more than Jesus hates Satan. When they found out that Kelly was involved with the Gay and Lesbian alliance at school, they informed her that she was not welcome in their home, and their son could marry her, but only if he wanted to be disowned by his family. So, I'm thinking that whether or not he actually is gay, he's gotta be fucked up for sure with that kind of family. Add on top of that marrying nutty Kelly, and he's got one shitter of a life ahead of him.

Fantastically yours,
S