text MESSages

I miss my friend. 8:14:19PM 11/18/2006

Happy anniversary. I miss the other Sheila and the friend I somehow loved. 6:57:25PM 11/19/2006

Not easy to forget you, I did not expect it to be. I guess I still feel certain things. Happy Holidays. I miss you. 9:07:22AM 11/20/2006

FWD: Happy anniversary. I miss the other Sheila and the friend I somehow loved. 12:11:02PM 11/20/2006

(Mine) What do you want me to do? Being "just friends" won't work, and being more won't work either. 4:33:30PM 11/20/2006

Work? Who said anything about work? Re-establishing contact with you has been my priority..other than this rehab..Have a lot to tell you. 4:50:11PM 11/20/2006

FWD: Work? Who said anything about work? Re-establishing contact with you has been my priority..other than this rehab..Have a lot to tell you. 6:13:23PM 11/20/2006

However when and if I come back can we make it all about Sheila (this girl I can't seem to forget) and not ED?!!! 6:14:28PM 11/20/2006

Are you fucking serious? When did being just friends not work? THATS ALL WE HAVE BEEN. Oh yea wait, you mean that fuck and go shit Miss Manners? 11:48:19PM 11/20/2006

And I thought I had a bad habit.. 11:51:32PM 11/20/2006

Are you still human? I mean do you have any feeling at all? Maybe we could try using the other side of your brain... 12:04:02AM 11/21/2006

Was I JUST a fling? Or was I JUST A FRIEND who was THERE FOR YOU when you wanted MORE? I did not mind because you made me feel something I do not want to forget. 12:38:22AM 11/21/2006

Anyway I'm sure this sad collection of sub-dialogue will never reach you, even if you do read your messages. 12:47:29AM 11/21/2006

FWD: Was I JUST a fling? Or was I JUST A FRIEND who was THERE FOR YOU when you wanted MORE? I did not mind because you made me feel something I do not want to forget. 12:21:47PM 11/21/2006

FWD: Anyway I'm sure this sad collection of sub-dialogue will never reach you, even if you do read your messages. 12:23:17PM 11/21/2006

At this point I was thinking of sending him this: "Did you nail yourself to the cross or did you have someone help you out with that?"


Always,
S

Stop Trying

It's that simple. Stop Trying. Sometimes it's easier, and better, to just give up. Or is it?

Some things are easy to give up: bad jobs, bad restaurants, bad TV shows.

Others are not so easy: bad friends, bad relationships, bad marriages.

But when do you make the decision to give up? How much will you endure? How long will you try to make change? How long will you try to cast things in a good light? And how do you make that decision?


Should I stay or should I go now?

A rediscovered old friend is in the throes of making such a decision. Together we wondered how one comes to the point where giving up, quitting, leaving is the only answer. Some people seem to have so little trouble with it, but this friend of mine... there's nothing easy in it for them. Have they endured enough? Tried enough? Probably not. But how much can they endure? How willing are they to work it out? My friend asked for advice and I had nothing. Talking helps, sure - but you can talk a thing to death and never get anything out of it. Give up? Keep trying?


It's not easy to forget you.

Three strikes and you're out? Try three thousand. Strike number two thousand nine hundred ninety nine was the same as strike number two - so why endure the year-long trial and tribulation? This decision to quit and get out was easy - if not slow in coming. Boredom, loneliness, flattery, vulnerability, and manipulation leads to Utopian visions completely unconnected to reality. Fortunately, the head returns to scolds the heart - a choice is made and a decision is cast in stone. That stone may be talc, but stone nonetheless - GIVE UP.


Who is the center of your Universe?

Witnessing a long and too-drawn-out overture between two individuals, tired myself of watching, I imagined how they must feel. That last time - one inflicting the anger and frustration onto all - was too much. I've swayed from one side to another, but that time firmly planted me. Is either one trying? Is it even worth it? At that moment, I thought no. Later on, I thought the same. Still later? My feeling is set.


When waiting becomes part of the problem.

These couples, triples - waiting, waiting. For what? For the other to do something. Anything. Why is it so impossible to make the first move? Do we want to have the ability to blame the other? Is it an easy way out? Are we all so submissive that we can't fling the first stone? And when does this non-participation become detrimental? We lose sleep, lose money, lose hold of our emotions and our mind - but yet we still hang on - refusing to act. Waiting for the other. Have we done ourselves any good? Has the waiting eased the pain of the inevitable, or have we just prolonged it?

But oh, how we protest! We write, we cry, we talk secretly to our confidants in hushed tones. "Miles apart", "doesn't even notice", "can't understand" - all phrases we use over and over again. But what do we do? We sit in silence, waiting for the other to detonate the bomb. A silly fear of hurting the other, not seeing the hurt that our non-action is causing. A long, drawn out pain is better than a short, sharp one? In what world?


Always,
S