To Dream The Impossible Dream

I'm short, white and balding - with a little dick." - You

Being the dear (and superstitious) friend I am, I hurried to the local curandera (ie, the HEB) for a prayer candle to help you in your predicament. Among the many candles before me, one red and black beauty filled me with awe and intrigue:


REVERSING CANDLE

(ALLEGED)

DOUBLE ACTION CANDLE




I placed the candle lovingly into my shopping cart, knowing that THIS was the answer. Instantly upon returning home and unwrapping the icon from it's cradle of plastic bags, I lit it and called you to tell you to expect to feel it's healing power immediately.

Little did I realize that this candle, which I purchased with good intent and loving thoughts - this candle which I thought would be your savior - would turn so violently against me.

What happened?? I believe that the reversing power of this candle did not direct itself toward you, your height, your melanin content, your hair, nor your willy. NO - the awesome REVERSING power of this candle rested itself upon me - upon my brain - to the center of my (ALLEGED) intelligence.

The following anecdotes will PROVE my hypothesis:

A. Shortly after lighting said candle, I went to weigh my laptop on the bathroom scale (I needed to know it's weight for a completely unrelated reason.) I placed the computer on the scale, but there was no reading, only a digital "C". Assuming the scale was broken, I picked up the computer and got on the scale myself. I was shocked at the weight it displayed. I got off, rezeroed, and weighed again - once more - shock and disbelief. After a third time, I ran into the kitchen proclaiming to Lee: "Oh my GOD - I gained seven pounds in like, three days!" I realized in between the words "three" and "days" that I'd had the computer in my hands while I was getting on the scale - hence the excess weight.

But, my ineptness did not stop there - oh no... I then said, out loud - "I wonder how I'll get the weight of this computer - it's too light for the bathroom scale." About five seconds passed and I noticed Lee's deadpan look - then it finally hit me like a bolt from the blue:

I. can. weigh. myself. with. the. computer. and. then. without. it. and. get. the. weight. by. difference.


B. You will recall this (approximate) exchange that we had on the phone yesterday:

D: I wasn't really at a concert - it was NPR.
S: (silence) (blank stare)
D: (silence)
S: (thinking, "in P.R."?? WHERE'S THAT??)
D: (silence)
S: Ohhhhh - NPR. - - - I thought you meant "in" as in i-n...


There you have it. That's what I get for dabbling in the black arts. (You'd think me and the black arts would be a winning combination, wouldn't ya?) Guess it's not to be.

Thus it is my conjecture that there is little that can be done about your vertical challenges, your skin tone, your mane or your manliness. However - - - FEAR NOT, balding little white man! For you can still take advantage of the awesome power of THE CANDLE. How, you ask? Simply give the candle to any woman of your choosing and instruct her to burn it. Within minutes she will be transformed into a blithering idiot who won't be able to spell her own name, much less realize that she is with the likes of you.

The perfect solution.


Much love,
Sehial