the veiled sibyl

I have heard and said more inanities, since you took me in tow, than in all the rest of my life.

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

Unemployment Day 10 - It's All About Me

What is a blog for, if not self-indulgence?

Last night was very good. I went over to Trani's house so we could celebrate her release from Rontanamo. We put her little boy to sleep, then the vodka started flowing. . .

We decided to watch Dazed and Confused and make a drinking game out of it - so we would take a swig every time one of the characters said, "man". (You can bet your bibby that we were pretty shitted about oh, 10 minutes into the movie.)

We were having a really good time, then Ring, Ring. Of course, it was... guess who. I talked to him for a little - I was drunk but was trying to be careful and not say anything I'd regret. I ended up handing the phone over and he and T talked for hours! At first, it was just random shit, but then I guess they got ont he subject of yours truly. I only heard her side of the convo, but I guess she was trying to tell him (but not directly tell him) what the hell had gone wrong in this "relationship". She said things that were so on the nose - despite being totally trashed - and I hope that he understood at least some of it.

She, of all my friends, is probably the best person he could have talked to about me. She knows me - I think a lot better than either of us realize. Plus, she knows me as ME - by that I mean that she got to know me during the "weird times" of DxB and me, so she sees me as an individual, not "SheilaandLee". She's a keen observer too. She's sat there across from me for the past 9 months - she's seen me scramble to answer the phone, she's heard the one-sides of the conversations, she's heard me laughing, she can probably tell you who's calling me just by hearing the pitch of my voice when I answer. She's seen the frustration, the anger, the joy - all that in that goddamned little lab bench bay. She knows and she understands. And she used her knowledge and understanding to try... To try, I guess, to make it so that people are happy. She just wants to see someone happy.


Had to leave that last thought hanging because, Ring, Ring. He is so very exasperating. He listened to everything she said, and I told him even more just now. In fact, I told him exactly what I wrote here yesterday. The list. The thing I need to hear him say. I told him all of it. I so very badly wanted him to understand. But you know what he said? I can't be honest, I can't be responsible, I can't not be fucked up. He can't even try. He asked if I wanted him to be normal. I said yes, but more importantly, I want him to TRY! I told him he didn't have to be normal, he just had to freakin' TRY. I told him that wishes and wants and hopes didn't mean SHIT unless you DO SOMETHING to make them come about. He just listened and kept fucking drinking... This is so stupid. It's like I'm asking him to climb Mount Everest without any ropes. Why is it so goddamned hard for him to understand? ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!


Okay. That's out of my system. I've got this stupid book open to the chapter on enzyme kinetics and I just can't bring myself to start reading it. The distraction would do me good. I was thinking about rocks.

Trani wrote the other day that her husband was her rock. That made me ponder about my "rock". I really don't think there is one anymore. I think my rock went away in April of 1990. I guess DxB has been the rock - we've been through so much shit together - sickness and death and hard times - but today, I feel as if I stand alone. Maybe it's because what's mostly eating at me right now is this situation - and obviously I can't go to DxB about that. But, would I even be in this situation if he was the rock? I mean, he was. But now? I guess after the thing with his step mom, and his spiral down during grad school - I guess that's when I saw my rock crumbling. Yes - that's it. I think, maybe I am still his rock. I feel like it. Sort of. I definitely feel a sense of responsibility for him. That's the complication. Do I hold him up? Sometimes I feel like I get pushed into that role. What do I do when that happens though? I back away. I'm doing the same to the other one. Backing away, but not ever letting go. I want to be the rock, but don't want to be the rock. I think I want my own fucking rock for a change! (Wow, this is just a whole bunch of thoughts coming out at once - pls forgive!)


Jesus X. Monkeyballs, you'd think I was getting ready to jump in front of a semi with all this bullshit, wouldn't you? It's not that bad. It's just all hitting at once. I can tell that DxB is not doing well. I can sense another breakdown is coming. Then there's the other one. I worry about that too - too many things have been said that I can't ignore. I've freaking been through this depression bullshit with too many of my friends to not see the symptoms. But I've also been through it enough times to know what to do, and what not to do. Unfortunately, it's a lot of watching and waiting. But I feel like I have to watch over not just one now, but two. That's fine. I can handle it. But every now and then I have to vent so I don't explode. Rather than trapping you in a face-on conversation where I bleed your ears with it, I will do it here. And then you can decide to let me bleed your eyes, or you can decide that FARK is a hell of a lot more fun!

Thanks for listening,



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